Poker In The Front (Or, the way things were supposed to go)

Tuesday Night Extreme
Feb. 25, 2003

As the night began, the viewers were treated to a rather odd sight. Inside of the XW ring was a poker table. Sitting at that poker table were the two men who had closed down the show a week ago in a rather surprising debut.

Trey Vincent.

Sean Studd.

Team EGO.

"It seems to us that this place doesn't know the meaning of the world competition," Studd suddenly said into a microphone that he picked up off the table as Vincent began shuffling a deck of cards. "So we are going to teach all you retarded monkeys what thrilling competition is all about. Trey?"

After that, Trey began dealing cards. He tossed one card to Studd, then dropped one for himself, then repeated this until each man had five cards. Studd picked up his hand and Trey did the same as the fans began booing at this lack of action.

"How many?" Trey asked Studd.

"I'll take three," he said putting three cards facedown on the table.

"Dealer takes two."

It was about this time that the crowd began a "What the fuck?" chant. And the crowd didn't sound very happy.

"Hey, do you hear that?" Studd asked.

"Huh? Hear what? Oh wait. Is that the sound of thousands of scrubs getting a chant going? Man Trey Vincent didn't think so many jackasses could chant together unless it contained the words 'holy shit' or 'what?'. Of course, it's too bad we don't give a fuck what they're saying," Vincent said with a chuckle, eliciting louder boos from the crowd.

Vincent reached down under his steel folding chair and tossed a pair of microphones in the middle of the table.

"I raise you two microphones," Vincent said.

"Heh," Studd laughed, reaching under his folding chair. "I see your two microphones, and I raise you, THREE microphones."

"Oh no you didn't!" Vincent said light-heartedly. But he reached under his chair and brought out three more microphones. "I call."

Just as Studd was about to lay his cards out on the table, there was some sort of movement at the entryway. Vincent and Studd looked at each other, then the entryway, each other, then the entryway, each other, then the entryway.

The reason? Jimmy Jackson came out. The man scheduled to wrestle Jake Lansing for the Lightweight Title. He headed straight down the aisle, not to much of a reaction from the fans, then borrowed a microphone from Trey Vincent, who happily handed it over.

"I think everyone has had enough of you. So why don't you just go back to wherever you came from and let me get on with business tonight?"

"You know, Trey Vincent and myself don't take offense to you coming out here and interrupting the only entertaining segment you jackasses will see tonight. Even though I was about to lay down my winning hand and win this bounty of microphones, which I could use to grace all you hacks with some entertaining dialogue."

Vincent cleared his throat and then took over. "Trey Vincent guesses you want to *coughcough*sports entertain*coughhackcough*. As if you could if you wanted. "We want to entertain, you want to entertain. Let's compromise. We'll let you fight whatever other bush-league scrub is back there, IF, you can beat me…at a hand of poker."

The fans urged Jackson to accept the offer to get this show moving already.

Vincent rounded up all the cards and began shuffling. Studd stood up and offered Jackson the chair he had been sitting on. Vincent shoved aside all the microphones, which buzzed and crashed as they hit the mat. Slowly, Jackson moved into place and Studd walked away. Jackson took his seat as Vincent dealt.

"We'd play for microphones, but after hearing you talk tonight, the sports entertainment police would come and arrest me for arming an unlicensed sports entertainer. Sit down, stupid," Vincent said as Jackson got up at the insult. "It's timeahhhhh, to play the gaymaahhhhh," Vincent said, mocking a certain somebody who shall remain nameless. "How many?"

Jackson looked at his cards and smiled. He put one down. "One."

Vincent looked at Studd, who had maneuvered himself into a turnbuckle with a clear view of Jackson's cards. "Jack Jimmy gets one. And dealer takes," he paused, looking up at Studd, who was flashing signals. "Five."

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Vincent lifted up his cards.

"Alright, Jack off. Show me what you've got."

Jackson put down his hand. Four fours.

Vincent cocked an eyebrow upon seeing his hand. Jackson sat back with his arms crossed, quite confident that was a winning hand. Vincent shrugged and put his hand down.

Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. All clubs.

"Straight flush. Which means, you job, just like everyone always does, to Team EGO."

Jackson stared at the cards in disbelief.

And then Studd superkicked Jackson in the side of the head. Vincent got up and picked up his chair. Studd picked up his chair and then a microphone.

"Oh yeah, we forgot to mention…if we beat you…we REALLY beat you," Studd said with a devious smile.

Then Vincent added, "First they get mad because we show up A LITTLE late, and now this? Can't even enjoy a good poker game without some jobber looking to get a little face heat. Well. You're about to get your face re-arranged."

Jackson had started to pull himself up, using the ropes, when

WHACK WHACK.

A simultaneous chair shot sent him back down.

WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK!

After several chair shots to all parts of Jackson's body, Team EGO dropped their chairs and then dragged Jackson up. They lifted him up and hit a vicious double spinebuster, sending him through the poker table with a CRUNCH.

Then, "We Will Rock You (Remix)" hit over the speakers, at a very fitting time. After completing rocking Jimmy Jackson's world.

And what was lost in all the confusion? How the hell were there 5 fours in the deck?

Team EGO, CHEAT?

NOOOOOOOOO!

LIGHTWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP (Or, the way things really went)
Jake Lansing(c) vs Jimmy Jackson

Voice: Weeeelllllllll hello people!

(There is a roaring boo from the crowd as Trey Vincent and Sean Studd walk out from the back with a card table and a deck of cards.)

Sean Studd - You see... we've decided to come out here and give you people your money's worth in entertainment, something that the Miami Dolphins, Miami Hurricanes and the Miami Heat, can't do if they combined into a sports orgy.

Trey Vincent - I know you didn't just go there.

Sean Studd - I did.

Trey Vincent - Sweet.

Sean Studd - But since we are the most entertaining duo to ever grace Xw television screens, we've decided that instead of some flipping and flopping in the ring for eight minutes... we're going to have..... a poker game! Trey... if you would, please.

(Trey unfolds the card table and then rushes back behind the curtain. A moment later, he returns with two steel folding chairs. He hands one to Sean Studd who grabs it and unfolds it. They both sit at the table.)

Sean Studd - The name of the game is five card.... ahem... Studd.

(Sean begins to deal the cards when "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys hits the PA and out walks Jimmy Jackson from the back. Jimmy reaches onto the table and agrily snaps the microphone away from Trey.)

Jimmy Jackson - What in the hell is going on here? I'm supposed to be having a match! I've been given the opportuinity to become the Lightweight Champion.. no wait.. make that.... a DOUBLE champion, and you two clowns are out here playing..... POKER!?

(Sean and Trey look at each other and grin.)

Trey Vincent - Uhm.. I'm sorry.... who are you?

Jimmy Jackson - Jimmy Jackson... one half of the tag team champions.

Sean Studd - No seriously.. who are you?

Jimmy Jackson - Jimmy Jackson... you know.. the Juggalo?

Trey Vincent - WHOA! Well gather up all your juggalos and roll.. if it isn't Timmy Jackoff.. one half of the Xw tuna fish champions.... tell ya what kid... play a hand of poker with Sean... if you win.. you can have your match.. if you lose.. well.. we kick your ass... simple as that.

Jimmy Jackson - You're on.. anything to get my opportunity.

Trey Vincent - Wel-heh-hell.. then sit and ante up.

(Trey gets out of his seat as Jimmy sits down and picks up the cards that Sean Dealt out. Trey looks over Jimmys shoulder and mimics that he has two duces, a queen, a king, and a three of hearts.)

Sean Studd - I bet 100.

(Jimmy's face drops.)

Jimmy Jackson - I can't believe you'd waste that much money... it's a shame... I'll see your hundred and raise you a grand.

Trey Vincent - Dude.. do you even have a thousand dollars!?

Jimmy Jackson - Of course... I work for Xw.

Trey Vincent - Like I said.......

Sean Studd - Whoo... a grand.. man.. this is... ah heck... I call.

(Jimmy takes a deep swallow and lays down.)

Jimmy Jackson - a pair of twos.. beat that!

Sean Studd - Aw man! All I have are five fours....... I guess I win.

Jimmy Jackson - Wait...that's impossible.. you can't have five fours!!

Trey Vincent - True, but you can have five fingers...

(Trey balls up his hand into a fist and pounds away on Jimmy Jackson, knocking him out of his chair. Trey pulls him up and holds him down as Sean Studd gets up and lands a superkick underneath the jaw. Jimmy staggers forward as Sean grabs him by the back of the head and then tosses him into the entrance sets. Jimmy staggers back a few steps as Trey Vincent folds up a chair and takes a swing, cracking Jimmy in the back of the skull. He goes down as the duo take a bow on the stage and exit to the back.)

Jack Wallace - I can't believe what I've just seen! That was absolutely deplorable.

Jeff Hartman - Deplora-what?

Jack Wallace - It's called dictionary.com.. look it up.

NEXT CHAPTER: Can You Hear Me Now? Good. >>

©2003 John Leary