Trey Vincent reviews Paris Hilton's Sex Tape

Warning: The following review contains very graphic sexual language and some naughty words too. Do not read if you are easily offended. Thank you.

Well, after all the hype, and because I am such a big star, I decided it was time to weigh in on the most talked about topic of the last couple weeks — that being Paris Hilton getting dirrrty on videotape. Now, I’ve seen pictures of this beautiful blonde, and I gotta tell you. If ever there was a girl built to be in a porn, it is this girl. Skinny, blonde — with that face you can just imagine doing terrible, dirty things to.

First of all kids, for those not Internet savvy enough to stumble across the most hyped vid since Tommy and Pam, I must share some bad news with you. This porn is all of three minutes long (and by the way, WTFMF?). At least the version I scored. I know, I know, there are rumors of an extended version of up to 30 minutes (not to mention an entire LIBRARY somebody has uncovered of Paris Does Everyone), but I could not YET locate that version. So, we’ll review this one.

My first impression of the video is that the production values are dirt poor. It looks like they filmed this fucking thing in Iraq during the FIRST Desert Storm. You know, the one from 1991. Sure, there’s plenty of jiggling and grunting and groaning, but it’s just your typical stuff of some Hollywood blonde, right?

"But Trey! It’s Paris Hilton!" And I say "So what?"

"Her daddy has some cash?"

"So what?"

Get it? The only difference between this chick and a porno star is that this chick will have money in five years when she loses all her looks and starts sagging.

But I digress. So, we begin in POV (that’s point of view) mode. You get to see some nice, uh, penetrating action pretty close up, but that doesn’t last long. I guess he must be a 20 second man. Ah, the power of editing...suddenly a four day shoot looks like one steamy hour, right?

Scene 2. The screen gets even DARKER now and harder to see. Though, let me tell you, Paris Hilton has a kick ass body. Tall and skinny with plenty of boobs on display here. No complaints, other than the terrible lighting. Did they ever plan to watch this again? Why do I smell "media stunt" all over this one? *Sigh*

Paris says hello to all of us.

"Hi," I respond, just to be polite.

She crawls around on the bed, playing more to the camera than the scrub laying on the bed. Man oh man, this is some steamy non-action here. Is this what sex is for losers? Seriously? I guess it’s true most white men don’t know how to bang. Luckily, ladies, I go ALL out in that department.

After some thumb sucking by Paris, that’s when her cell phone rings. There’s the phone sex of our video, I guess. But that plot line went NOWHERE. Typical porn...It’s somebody named "Fred" from best I can tell. Fuck Fred! You’re wasting my three minutes already!

Now it’s time for some anal invasion. That lasts for all of 20 seconds. I just can’t imagine why she didn’t stay with THIS guy. I don’t know where the hell this dude learned how to fuck. This chick does more playing to the camera, showing off her titties, bouncing around. Yeahhhh, baby.

The eyes freak me out. She looks like a fucking raccoon caught in headlights. I’m guessing it’s from the camera light. Still freaky, but oddly sexual. So she sits on his dick, facing away from him and toward the camera. At least she’s not pretending she didn’t know there was a camera.

Then we head back to Iraq-scope. It’s oral time. A little lick. A little more lick. The end.

So, in conclusion, this movie SUCKS. The tried and true method of plot, oral for her, oral for him, sex in multiple positions filmed from many different angles leading to a money shot is all thrown to hell. However, Paris Hilton is entirely fuckable. I’d still jerk off to this movie if I was bored enough, which, right now, oddly, I am. So, I’m out.