Wheelchairs In A Cell

PIW Countdown To Insanity
Dec. 21, 2002

Brown: I now understand it's time for...

Nerdstrom: WHEELCHAIRS....in a CELL!

Brown: *Sigh* Well fans, as you can see, the ring has been surrounded by the, um, cell. Which apparently consists of chicken wire. I think people are starting to get a little tired of Team EGO's shenanigans.

Nerdstrom: Only people with sticks stuck up their ass. Did you sit on one, Mike?

Brown: One what?

Nerdstrom: A stick? Or maybe a branch. Or even a wood spoon?

"How You Remind Me" began playing as a highlight package from earlier this evening came of the InsaneTron of Sean Studd playing the part of the "Tenderizer" Gay Chavez. Most of the fans cheered as he was wheeled out in his wheelchair by Jiztella, massaging his neck. They entered through the opening in the chicken wire cell, which was about 6-feet high and took up the entire ringside area. Where the guardrail was, there was chicken wire now too.

The Tenderizer, with all his might, pushed himself out the chair.

Nerdstrom: It's a miracle! He can walk again! Thank God!

Brown: Chavez is one of the biggest stars in PIW, how can these EGOmaniacs mock them without any care?

Nerdstrom: They mock everyone Mike. That's why all cool people like me love them.

"By Myself." It could only mean the appearance of one personon any other night. Tonight, it meant that Trey Vincent was here in the form of "Simply Unentertaining" Chris Mezz. Like Chavez, he was also in a wheelchair.

Nerdstrom: This has got to be the first wheelchair-bound match in wrestling history! You think Dynamite Kid will referee?

Brown: I so hope he's watching this show. He'll kick your butt for that comment!

Nerdstrom: I don't think DK's gonna be do a lot of 'kicking' if you know what I mean. He might ram into my shins a few times...

Mezz pushed himself out of his chair. No doubt risking his entire professional career. But he had to. This was Wheelchairs In A Cell! Mezz slid under the bottom rope and stared at Chavez.

The epic feud.

The paralysis.

The mailman.

The mail.

The vibrator.

The nudie pics.

Jiztella.

Brown: Well, the intense nausea this feud has caused the fans is about to come to a climax.

Nerdstrom: No doubt like Jiztella did earlier tonight! And when you say 'nausea' are you referring to this parody or the real Chavez/Mezz feud?

Mezz was calling for a mic. He SNATCHED the mic from Mike Hunt.

"Aaarggh. This feud needs FIRE! But more importantly, this match need REFEREE!"

Chavez SNATCHED the mic from Mezz. Mezz grabbed at his neck and fell to the mat. "What's wrong?" Chavez asked, bending down to Mezz, a bit worried.

"I....I.....I can't feel my legs!"

A team of eight medics charged down the aisle.

"Really? In that case. Let's get my special guest referee down here!"

As the medics tended to Mezz and put him into a neckbrace, the lights in the arena began to dim as "Just Like You Imagined" by Nine Inch Nails begin playing.

Brown: Wait a minute! What's HE doing here! Why is HE in PIW!?

Nerdstrom: Oh no. This is about to get GOOD!

From the entryway, out stepped a redheaded man in a referee shirt with the jOlt logo crossed off and handwritten under it in was fWo. Tonight his face appeared to have some sort of brown paint on it. Yes, ARoN was back! The fans booed upon seeing him. He walked into the ring, and looked at Chavez, who pulled Mezz away from the medics. The medics took that as a cue to leave, while Chavez locked Mezz into a doggy-style pin!

ARoN only looked at them. He slid his fingers through his hair. But then, found, his hand was caught. He ripped and pulled but the rats nest wasn't letting go.

"COUNT!" Chavez screamed at him. "I've got this cripple beat!"

"I can't! My fucking hand is caught in my hair you pussy!" ARoN screamed. "That and I can't be bothered to actually move at the moment."

Chavez was about to get up and kick ARoN's ass, but Mezz poked him in the eye! Chavez collapsed in a heap. "MY LEGS! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! ARoN, feel my legs to see if they're still there!"

The medics all rushed back into the ring to tend to the other cripple, also putting him into a neckbrace.

"Do you have any idea what idiots you two look like! Not boo me cause I'm a heel, but boo me because I'm an inferior ARoN booo!"

Mezz and Chavez, both in neckbraces, and the eight medics looked at each other, quite confused.

"AND WHO GAVE ME AIDS!" ARoN demanded.

Chavez suddenly backed away into the nearest corner.

"YOU PEOPLE IN PIW GIVE EVERYONE VIRUSES!" ARoN said stomping his foot.

Mezz, paralyzed, sure, but he still managed enough strength to get some distance from Chavez. "Dude, you have AIDS! I'm SO not blading in this match." Mezz found the inner strength to get himself up one more time and risk his career, despite his nagging neck injury, to (eventually) fight Chavez. But first he had to take care of ARoN, whose hand was still stuck in his red hair.

"GRRRRR!" Mezz collapsed. "ARoN smell bad, I'm paralyzed again! My career is OVER. Damn you ARoN. Why you smell like shit?"

After a few more moments of ARoN struggling with his stuck hand, during which time the eight medics returned and put a second neck brace on Mezz, ARoN finally answered. "It's not easy defending your company."

"Damn it, me dumb, me can't understand what you mean. Simply fucking stupid," Mezz grunted out, pointing at himself with his thumbs as he said the last three words.

Chavez, full of incredible intestinal fortitude, overcame his paralysis once more. This time he superkicked ARoN.

But now Mezz was back up!

But no referee?

"There's only one way to settle this," Chavez decided. "Take off those clothes!"

"No! Fag bad!" Mezz grunted. He pointed at the wheelchairs. "Crazy race! Grrrr!"

"Fine. Let's DO IT!"

Mezz and Chavez carefully headed to the floor and got into their respective chairs. Jiztella stood between the two men and held her hands up in the air. "Ready. Set. Spaghetti!" she screamed and the race was on!

Nerdstrom: And Mezz is out with a good start. But Chavez is coming back. Look at that little bastard spin those wheels!

Brown: Special Olympics, other promotions, our OWN promotion! Gays, cripples, is there anybody else these boys plan to piss off tonight!

Nerdstrom: And they're rounding the first corner. Mezz has the inside corner. And he's flying through the straightaway! But Mezz takes the corner wide. OH. He's into the chicken wire! What a brutal shot!

Brown: I refuse to commentate on this insanity.

Nerdstrom: More air-time for me. Fine! OH NO! Mezz has been busted wide open!

Brown: He just grabbed a bucket of some red liquid and dumped it on his head, Vinny!

Nerdstrom: Stop breaking kayfabe, Brown. He's been BUSTED WIDE OPEN! He's wearing the crimson mask! How will Mezz cope with this. Chavez has taken control of Wheelchairs In A Celll now. Chavez rounds the third corner. He may win this one here. But WAIT! Mezz is FLYING down the mats. He rams Chavez! OH! The wheelchair goes into the cell!

Brown: And now Studd dumps a bucket of the same liquid on himself.

Nerdstrom: Both men, bloody, sweaty, paralyzed, round the last corner in this match! Who will win.

Brown: This is horrible. This is the biggest waste of brain cells I've ever seen!

And then, sadly, from the entryway, everyone's least favorite hype machine janitor John Carol ran down the aisle, throwing aside his trusty plunger, just as the boys were rounding the fourth corner. He was screaming out for ARoN, worried he might be seriously hurt. Just as Carol made it into the cell, tragedy struck.

If you WANT to call it tragedy.

Mezz and Chavez saw him but it was too late.

Like a deer caught in the headlights, Carol could only stare as Mezz and Chavez screamed and pounded on the feet of the wheelchairs, but they didn't have any brakes.

BANG!

Nerdstrom: OH MY GOD! They killed Carol! Did you see that little bastard go flying?

Brown: This isn't right.

Nerdstrom: But who won the race?

Jiztella headed over to Mike Hunt and told him something. Hunt shrugged and made an announcement. "And the losers of this match: All you fans." The crowd was a bit confused by the announcement. Hunt refused to keep saying whatever Jiztella wanted them to say.

So Jiztella slapped him!

Nerdstrom: Oh my God. I never thought I'd say this line in my life, but Jiztella just slapped Mike Hunt!

Meanwhile, Team EGO was playing dead in the chairs, eyes closed and bodies slouched down as if they had been in a huge wreck. The fans were a bit confused, partly because of what Hunt had announced, and partly because a lot of the fans actually liked Ray Chavez and Chris Mezz.

But for Team EGO, they were the center of their universe. Hence the name.

Nobody could touch them.

Or could they?

NEXT CHAPTER: The Best of PIW 2002-Finale >>

©2002 John Leary