Mysterious letters and presents
PIW Countdown To Insanity
Dec. 21, 2002
 Inside of Gay Chavez's (Sean Studd) locker room, "The Tenderizer" was sitting next to a lovely chick. She was desperately trying to make out with him but Chavez just kept pushing her away.
"You know you're just here to make people think I'm straight, right?" he asked the woman.
"But honey, I can make you switch teams. I swear!"
"Nope, nope, nope. Man I miss Jamal. He knew how to treat me right."
There was a knock at the door.
"I wonder who THAT could be," Gay Chavez said.
In walked "Simply Unentertaining" Chris Mezz (Trey Vincent), still with his spiky brown hair, but now wearing something rather different than usual. A mailman's uniform! He walked right up to Chavez's pretend girlfriend and handed her a letter: "To Gay's Wife From Chavez."
"What's this?" Chavez wondered as his wife opened up the envelope.
"Dear Jiztella. I love you. Signed. Chris Mezz."
"Who sent you that?" Chavez wondered. The crowd laughed at the absurdity of this scene taking shape.
"I don't know! It's such a mystery! But don't worry."
"How can I not worry, someone's trying to steal the girl I pay to be my girlfriend!" The crowd laughed again as the plot thickened.
Knock, knock.
In walked Chris Mezz, still dressed as a mailman, but this time he was holding a bouquet of red roses. He handed them to Jiztella. He then left again as Chavez stared at the flowers. "Whoa, where did THOSE come from. They weren't here two seconds ago!"
She began to read the card, but a knocking at the door was heard and in walked Mailman Mezz again with a handful of letters in red envelopes. He dumped them in her lap and she smiled widely at the new letters from her secret admirer.
"This is quite a disturbing" Chavez decided. But Chavez was cut off by more knocking. In walked Mailman Mezz again. He dumped more letters onto the couch. Angrily, Chavez grabbed a letter and opened it. Well, tried to. Apparently the envelope was sealed too tightly for his gentle little fingers.
Knock, knock.
Mezz.
Letters.
Dumped.
Chavez was fuming, and the crowd was laughing and cheering for this segment. "Owww, paper cut!" he shouted. "Oww, oww, owweeeee." After licking his finger, he pulled out a paper.
Knock, knock.
Mezz.
Letters.
Dumped.
Chavez began reading the letter.
Knock, knock.
A box was dropped on Jiztella's lap, which was covered in a layer of red and white envelopes.
Jiztella squealed. "Ohh, Gay, you shouldn't have?"
"Shouldn't have what? Come out of the closet?" Chavez read the letter. "Damn it, the signature is too MESSY. WHO IS TORMENTING ME WITH THESE MYSTERIOUS LETTERS!!!!!!"
Jiztella missed the comment as Mezz continued knocking, entering and exiting the room and dropping letters on the couch. She opened up the box. She got a puzzled look on her face and then turned her box upside down. Out fell a long object and an 8 by 10 glossy photo. The phallic object fell on Chavez's leg.
"OH MY GOD! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! That thing just paralyzed me!"
Jiztella, ignored Chavez. She was too enthralled with the photo. Chavez got up and walked over to a wheelchair. "Ahh. Much better." He then wheeled himself back over to the couch to see what Jiztella was looking at.
It was a photo of "Simply Unentertaining" Chris Mezz. Nude. Except for his sack. His male sack, er, mail sack. In the photo, Mezz was waving his right hand at the camera and checking his watch with the other.
Jiztella smiled widely, her eyes nearly popping out of her head at the beautiful sight. Then she picked up the other long, phallic-shaped object.
A green vibrator!
Mezz continued to walk in and out of the room, throwing letters all over the place and the fans couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the scene. He now had a black aluminum baseball bat and was hitting pop flies with the letters into the room. Sadly, they weren't going far. But hey, points for effort, right? Mezz then strapped on a leaf blower which roared into life and Mezz blew letters all over the place, as there was nearly a foot of letters on the floor in front of the couch and a foot of letters ON the couch.
Once the leaf blower was shut off, Mezz grabbed a Santa Claus style sack and dumped out a sack full of letters on top of Chavez and Jiztella, who were mesmerized by the amazing photo of Chavez.
"Isn't he dreamy?"
"He sure is, Gay," Jiztella answered.
"Wait a minute!" Chavez said before another sack of letters was dumped on his head by Mezz. "That looks like.The Simply Unentertaining One! And look! It's even signed by him! To Jiztella, 'All Your Tools For Happiness Were In This Box, and Hopefully Someday Soon, I'll Be In Yours! Love, MEZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Mezz burst into the room. "Guess what Chavez! Our war is not over!" Mezz said in his best caveman voice. The Unentertaining One took off his mailman's cap and his shirt. But sadly, in the process of taking off his shirt, he aggravated a neck injury and collapsed into one of Chavez's spare wheelchairs.
Gay Chavez gasped. "You bastard! You were in disguise this whole time? How dare you impersonate a mailman with a body like that! And get out of my spare chair before I get pissy!"
"Jiztella should be mine! Girl pretty! Need her booty!" Mezz said. "Fire bad! Grrrrrr!"
"That's it, meet me in the ring later. There is only one way we can solve this. The most extreme match in all of wrestling. Wheelchairs! In A Cell!"
"That's fucking fine with me cuz I'm fucking Simply Fucking Unentertaining fucking Chris fucking Mezz! FUCK!"
Mezz wheeled out of the room, his wheels squeaking every so slightly.
Chavez glared at Mezz as he left.
"I'm gonna lick his ass!" Chavez screamed out.
"Don't you mean, um, kick, Gay?"
"Nah, babe. Nah. I'll do him one letter better style. Speaking of which, where is J-Con. I need him to lay down for me again!"
Jiztella shook her head, then picked up the vibrator and the photo. "If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Man, Jamal was right. Women are icky. Bleh," Chavez said, shivering in disgust.
NEXT CHAPTER: Wheelchairs In A Cell >>
©2002 John Leary |
