The most entertaining there is, was or ever will be....

'You have got to love New Orleans. I mean, here I am, I've seen more naked fun bags in the last three days than I've seen in....um....the last two weeks.'

'Why are you telling me this?' a woman asked.

Vincent blinked. Then the picture in his head came a little clearer. It was a woman, probably in her early 40s, pushing a baby in a stroller.

'Whoa! Why do you have a baby in a bar?'

'I'm thirsty.'

'Married much?' he said with a wink.

She rolled her eyes. 'Desperate much?'

Vincent put his bottle of beer to his lips. 'This makes absolutely NO sense at all. Of course, not a lot of my life has made sense. OK. Let's try and figure this out. We are in New Orleans. You are a mother and you have a baby in a bar. Why are we sitting together?'

'That's a good question. I've been asking you for the last hour.'

'Isn't your name Julie?'

'No. It's Rita.'

'Rita? You aren't Julie!'

'I know I'm not.'

'Why are you sitting here?'

'You joined ME.'

'Why would I join you? You're old and you're snatch is prolly all stretched out more than a rubber band that's been, stretched a lot and is, really, loose. And why do you have a baby in a bar?'

'I'm thirsty.'

'Trey?' Another woman's voice called him. He turned around.

'Oh, THREE you are.'

'Three I am?'

'Huh? Are you to go ready?' Vincent was squinting.

[Later.]

Julie unlocked her front door and pushed the door open. Vincent banged into something. He moaned and then kicked at his attacker.

'Will you leave my screen door alone and get in here, you nut.'

She flipped on the lights inside. Vincent raised a fist at the screen door, mumbled out a 'why I oughta' and walked inside. 'Hey, I am the greatest sports entertainer of all time. You do realize that right?'

'Oh yeah. I realize it.'

'OK then.'

She shut the door behind him and grabbed his right hand.

MEOW.

Vincent smiled.

'You didn't tell me you had a pussy!'

She smiled and bent over to pick up a fat white cat.

'My, what a big, fat pussy you have there Julie. Can I pet your pussy?'

'Of course.'

Vincent began to caress whatshernames pussy. 'It's so soft. Mmmm-mmmm. What's your pussy's name?'

MEOW.

'Her name is Virginia. I call her Gina for short.'

Trey looked around the living room and spotted a fish tank type dealie. He walked over to it.

'What the hell is this?'

'Those are my crabs.'

'You have crabs?'

'Yes.'

'Damn, I dunno if I wanna bang you now.'

The girl got a puzzled look on her face and walked over to him.

Sniff, sniff. 'Do I smell tuna?'

She sniffed as well. 'I don't know. Wanna go check out the kitchen? I'll give you the 10-cent tour.'

'Sure, why not.' Trey looked down at the cat. 'You're pussy looks like it could use a trim.'

'Yeah, she's shedding everywhere. I should probably feed her.'

'Your pussy a meat eater?'

'Yeah. I usually like to heat her up a big hunk of meat.'

She grabbed Trey by the hand and dragged him through to the kitchen.

'Here's the kitchen. The fridge.'

'Oh look! The FLOOR.'

She raised her eyebrows. 'How drunk are you?'

'How drunk are YOU?'

She shook her head. 'I'm starving. I need a snack. What are you in the mood for?'

'I could go for a nice piece of cherry pie.'

'Sorry, I don't have any.' She grabbed a box and stuck her fingers inside. 'Banana?' she asked, pulling out a long, yellow one.

'Nah. How about....a grilled cheese sandwich?'

'Ummm,' she moaned out. 'Haven't tasted one of those in a LONG time,' she said, slowly peeling the banana of its skin.

'Wanna split a grilled cheese sandwich with me?'

'Sure.' She went into the refrigerator and bent over, looking for the needed ingredients.

'Oh, honey....I wasn't talking about a grilled cheese sandwich.'

'You weren't?' she asked.. She then slowly put the banana into her mouth and swallowed hard. She pulled out a carton of milk and began guzzling it. Some of the white stuff dribbled down her chin. She wiped it off and smiled. 'Yummy. Nothing better than a banana and some milk.'

Trey just kinda, stood there for a moment.

She smiled at him. 'What?'

'Oh...uh...what was I saying?'

She put the milk back into the refrigerator and took his hand again.

'I think I know what YOU want,' she said pulling him against her. He wrapped his arms around her and stared down at her.

'Meat taco?'

'With extra sauce.'

'Oh, baby.'

Trey shoved his tongue in her mouth. And since what happens next gets a wee bit too dirty, we out.

NEXT CHAPTER: Popping ratings, and other things >>

©2002 John Leary