Mean Mike comes out of the closet

Finally, someone has some balls

[We'll do things the easy way today. We open in a department store of some sort. Trey Vincent is, oddly enough, in the television aisle. He spies a little TV/VCR combo. He looks around in both directions suspiciously. He pushes the POWER button and the screen lights up blue. He looks around in both directions suspiciously. Again. He reaches under his ski hat and pulls out a videotape.]

Trey: Are the rumors true? Could it be?

[Trey looks around, AGAIN, before popping the tape into the VCR. He presses play. On the screen he watches "Mean" Mike Savige in his fancy house.]

Trey: Is that supposed to impress me? You got a house with furniture? Well, that is pretty impressive. I'm at a frigging department store borrowing their VCR. Fine. Keep your fancy house and your heat. Hey bro, can I come over some time? Oh wait, what's this? Mike is in a closet? Is that symbolic? Hmm. Mike is in the closet. Oh my. Sinnamon. How the hell did Mike get such a hot little POA? Lucky bastard. I'm really starting to hate you. You with your house and your POA, and your photo albums. Grrrrr.

Trey: What are you looking for in that closet? Blue Boy magazine? Oops, your old lady caught you. Ha ha. Oh, what the hell. Big screen TV? That is sweet. You bastard! Dude, can I come over? That would be so kick ass to watch a Trey Vincent match on. Hey Sinnamon, I got something you might want to see.

Trey (on tape): And if you ain't got the guts, I'm officially issuing an open challenge to ANYBODY who wants to fight me in an ultimate chair match. Trey Vincent and losing do not go together. So allow me to list off a bunch of names of people who would be eligible to have their nothing happening careers elevated just by sports entertaining with me live on pay-per-view. Just think. You will be mentioned in the same breath as Trey Vincent. So, here we go. "The Archangel" Michael Mitchell. "Mean" Mike Savige. Matt Walker. John "The Hardcore" Williams

Trey (in store): Damn I am so charismatic. I give me goose bumps. Whoa, whoa Mikey. Yes, you are supposed to be honored. I am honored that you have some balls to actually answer my challenge. Unlike Auryn and the rest of the supposedly great MEW roster. All hide from me. Dude, the only thing keeping me down is alcohol. But that's irrelevant. I have problems. But Mike, I am God's gift to SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT. I once spoke to God, and he said to me, "Trey, if I were a sports entertainer, I'd be you." And I said to Him, "God, no offense, but NOBODY is as good as Trey Vincent." So then I got punished and had a match with Auryn and lost because I was sleeping and drunk. But that's irrelevant.

Trey: Gee, don't take it so personal pal. I've paid dues. I've paid for booze. I've paid for women. I've paid and paid and paid. And what do I have now? Nothing! And it's all YOUR FAULT. Well, I guess technically it's mine, but...what else do you have to say here. As far as open challenges go, I am the KING of open challenges. I haven't lost one yet. I invite you to come into the ring with me. All you gotta do is have Nethery sign the contract. Let's have an ultimate chair match. You want 66 chairs? Fine. Hell, maybe 69 chairs. Oh man, Sinnamon is so distracting.

Trey (on tape): Trey Vincent isn't one known for hardcore wrestling. But I'm sick of you Auryn. I think everyone is sick of you. So let's make it interesting, shall we? How about we have an ultimate chair match? What is an ultimate chair match? Very simple. Pick any number of chairs. It doesn't matter. Since it's you, how about we use 66 chairs? Sure. 66 chairs are scattered around ringside, in the ring, up the aisle, up your ass, wherever. All legal. Only one way to win. Knock your opponent unconscious. No pins. No submissions. Just metal meets skull until skull can't take no more.

Trey (in store): I should run for president. I'm so damn handsome. So well spoken. And so damn passionate. You have more guts than you know what to do with? How about working out ya fat bastard! You know what? I am eager to get my head crushed. Just if it means I get the chance to permanently rid you from this company. And as an added bonus, how about if I win, I get your house and your TV. And if we're all lucky enough and you're brain damaged, I promise I'll put the Sin in Sinnamon. Get it?

Trey: And now he's back in his closet, looking for his gay magazines. Could at least wait for your woman to leave. Uh oh. Not a bad catch phrase. My bad sports entertainment radar is about to go off. Uh oh.

You want some...COME GET SOME!

Trey: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[Trey hits the eject button. He sniffs loudly and wipes fake tears from his eyes. He looks up at the ceiling.]

Trey: Of all the people to steal a catchphrase from. Rick Steiner? Good God, for that alone, I'm gonna kick your ass. Some day, some way.

And if you don't like me....BITE ME!

Quoth bad sports entertainers, nevermore.

NEXT CHAPTER: The Commish: Starring J.D. Kool >>