A jail bird sings a song

[A close up of Trey Vincent's face]

Trey: Aww hell, Nethery ain't gonna like this.

[The camera pans back to reveal Trey's head is poking out from behind some bars. The scene? A jail cell. Yes, the man who will main event the upcoming Fury in a match against Rain and Exile. Do the letters WCW mean anything to you? Maybe that's where Trey belongs. Oh wait...WCW is clean now, right? Sure it is. Just as long as you don't get arrested. PR nightmare. Now, you may be wondering just what did Trey do to get put in a jail cell? What possibly could the cops have him in for?

Does the name Scott Hall ring a bell. Oh wait, he wasn't arrested for that. Or was he? I forget. But anyway, some wrestler, possibly Taz(before he added the extra Z, which makes his name mean Jobber in Italian). It started innocent enough....

But before we can get to that part of the story...well, we're interrupted. We hear a loud voice garbling out threats at an officer, who comes into view from the left. The officer has the man's arms cuffed behind his back and the man is looking over his shoulder and trash talking the cop. They stop in front of...Trey's cell. The officer unlocks the door. He releases the man from his shackles. And shoves him inside. With Trey. Trey backs away from the man.

Now, this cell, it's a holding cell. For drunks most likely. There's tons of space and one shared toilet. Only benches inside, no cots. Trey takes a seat on the bench and looks at the man. The man turns around and faces Trey. The cameraman for some odd reason has snuck into the cell behind the officer's back.

What does Trey's guest look like? Well, he's about 6-4 or 6-5, and he looks like a cliche bald-drunk-biker type. He's wearing a leather jacket, Rob Zombie T-shirt, which just barely hides his big hairy belly, and blue jeans with...blood stains?...all over his legs. We'll call this guy....Dick Head. Now, wait, that's too crude. How about Richard Cranium? Yeah, that's better.

But more company is on the way. This time, two officers escort an angry looking black dude down to Trey's cell. You remember Zeus from Hulk Hogan's 5-star movie "No Holds Barred"? Well, imagine that guy, except for the dude now in Trey's cell isn't cross eyed. And this guy has hair. A big ass afro. Hell, his afro is about two feet tall. Imagine if Don King and Marge Simpson had a baby. Mixed with Zeus. This guy? He's wearing Fubu. Fubu? Isn't that for poser white boys? WTF? This is strange. We'll call this guy....Scoob Doobie Doob.

Trey is seated to your right. Richard stands to your left. And Scoob is now just turning around and massages his massive wrists. He looks at his new cellmates.]

Scoob (who sounds like Barry White): What you two dudes be in for?

Richard: What are you in for?

Scoob: Me? Courier biz. I was clearing $2,000 a week. Then I made a mistake. I collected on a loan with the wrong person who knew a guy who knew another guy. And now I'm here. Damn cops got all freaked out when they saw the coke all over my apartment. They thought it was anthrax. Bitch ass pigs.

Trey: Hey, you didn't work for (beep) did you?

[(The promo pauses.) The beep was necessary so not to "out" a drug kingpin. Drug kingpins are good. They deserve our respect and our money. MEW does not endorse my opinions, but hell, nobody else would have the balls to endorse crime lords besides Trey Vincent's narrator. Scoob doesn't know this yet, but "Beep" is one of Trey's best street sources. As for that guy who got beat up when he couldn't pay back the loan? Well, Trey knew him too. Trey has a certain habit that is not fit for public knowledge. This middle man provided Trey with a needed fix. That's all legally that can be said. Things are about to get interesting. This is just a little foreshadowing.)

Scoob: Yeah, why? Who the hell are you boy?

Trey: (He clears his throat and looks at Richard) What you in for?

Richard: I caught my wife cheating. We were out tanight, right, at dis bar. And she disappears. I'm like, where's my wife? So, I go looking for her. I look here, I look there, but don't see her anywhere. So I heads outside, and I see dis limo parked along da side of da building. A long white one.

[Trey groans.]

Richard: And then, all a sudden, out of the sunroof, I see my wife come popping up, breasts exposed to the world, except for two hands on them.

[Trey bends over and puts his head in his hands.]

Richard: So I goes over to the limo and scream her name. She looks at me all in shock, right? So I try to get in the limo, but da doors are locked, ya know? So I pull her out, but before I can get in the limo to see the bastard who had his hands all over my wife's breasts, he shuts the thing and the car peels out. So I broke a window with my fist. The car stops. The driver gets out and comes running up to me. He tackles me! He starts pounding the piss out of me and we ended up fighting until the cops came. The guy had me arrested for malicious destruction and assault and battery!

[(The promo pauses.) Hmm. Guess who was in the limo. Guess whose hands those were. Can ya?]

Scoob: What about the dude in the limo?

Richard: Bastard got out of the back and drove the car away! So what are YOU in for?

Trey: Uhh. Well, I've been a bit depressed of late. So, I kind of decided to go out tonight. To a strip club. Yeah, a strip club. I went in my, uh, pickup truck. Yeah. My pickup truck. I got a little drunk. And met this stripper. And well, we ended up back in my truck. And we were heading back to my hotel when the cops pulled me over.

Richard: Does it smell like bullshit in here or is it just you?

Scoob: You look awfully familiar to me. Haven't I seen you around downtown?

[From the part of the building where freedom still exists, we hear footsteps. It's an officer.]

Officer: Trey Vincent. It looks like we've got more charges to throw at you. It turns out that a woman has decided to file sexual harassment charges against you. She is claiming that you drugged her, brought her to your limo, took off her top and touched her breasts.

Trey: (He walks up to the jail door) Is that illegal?

Officer: Is that a confession?

Trey: Huh?

Officer: I said is that a confession?

Trey: No. No, I was...just joking. (He gestures for the officer to come closer with his index finger. In a whisper, he says...) Listen, doesn't me helping bring in that black dude for drug dealing and loan sharking help me out at all?

[The officer backs up.]

Officer: Son, for a guy who was caught driving under the influence in a stolen white limo and for a guy who sexually harassed and drugged a woman, no, helping bring down that dude right behind you for loan sharking and drug dealing will NOT help your ass. Now sit down and shut up.

Trey: Wait! I have the whole night on tape! I can prove I'm innocent.

Officer: Tape? Where?

Trey: In the camera.

Officer: Let me see it.

[Static.]

Officer: All right, I'll look at this. But I don't know how you think a videotape can clear you of sexual harassment and driving under the influence.

[He walks away with Trey's evidence. Trey turns around. He is greeted by Scoob and Richard.]

Scoob: Black dude you helped bring in for drug dealing and loan sharking?

Trey: You heard that?

Richard: White limo? Sexual harassment. BREASTS!

[Richard swings at Trey, who ducks, and Richard hits the bars. But Scoob grabs Trey and tosses him into the bars. Trey collapses to the floor. Both men kick away on Trey. That is until Trey, in desperation, hits a leg sweep that knocks both men to the floor. Trey manages to kick a couple of field goals, using their crotches as footballs. Trey swarms all over both men, going back and forth, wailing away with a flurry of furious punches to all parts of their bodies. After the assault and both men have felt the amazing power that only TV possesses, he picks both men up, and in a last fitting pose, he puts Scoob face first in the toilet, and rests Richard in such a way that, well, could be considered, Doobie style.]

Trey: (He takes a seat.) Man, haven't had a good fight in a while. I wonder if there is a lesson in this. Let's see. I'm not as drunk as usual, and I had an easy time beating up a couple of scrubs. In jail no less. Well, maybe the moral of the story is that if I ain't drunk, I can kick anyone's ass. Or maybe the moral is, drinking is bad for you. I already know that. It's just so much fun! Or maybe the moral is that Rain and Exile have no shot to kick my ass this Sunday at Fury. Which they don't. Because I'm everyone's TV champion. Trey Vincent. And this Sunday, I'll be sober. And I'll be out there for all the Trey Vincent fans who were disappointed by my performance last week. This is for little Jack Anderson in Detroit. Mrs. Jones in Minneapolis. I'll dedicate this match to all the little people. And with that, I can almost guarantee a win, because everyone is little when compared to the greatness that is Trey Vincent. This one is for all of you, my faithful followers!

[The officer is back.]

Officer: I never would have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. Say, do you mind if I keep this tape?

Trey: Which part can't you believe? The part about the girl forcing herself on me, or the part about my trained monkey driving the limo and then fleeing?

Officer: I can't believe how hot she is. And she married...(he looks behind Trey and sees the position the two have been put in). Oh, I see.

[The officer unlocks the cell and Trey is a free man. Ready to go kick some ass at Fury and prove he is the main eventer and not some idiot who can't beat Auryn.]

[5 minutes after Trey gets outside to his limo.]

[Trey's cell phone rings.]

Trey: Hello?

Voice: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Auryn beat you! You suck! AHAHAHAHAHA.

[Trey hangs up and shakes his head.]

Trey: I would SO throw this phone away....I can't believe there were 30 messages like that while I was in the slammer. I just despise people who make fun of other people. I'm winning-impaired. Don't make fun of my disability!!!!!

[Trey looks at the phone for a minute. He then dials some digits and listens. After a few seconds, he gives up. He puts the phone in his pocket.]

Trey: Damn it.

[Scary darkness.]

NEXT CHAPTER: Mean Mike comes out of the closet >>

© 2001 John Leary