SY has a low IQ (OR: Why is this guy a main eventer when I'm here?)

[The scene opens in a public libary. Trey Vincent is at a computer. He types in www.nhl.com. The camera zooms in on the screen. He clicks on player names. He clicks on Y. He clicks on a player by the name of Scott Young.

What?

Scott Young.

What?

I said SCOTT YOUNG!

A right winger for the St. Louis Blues.

What?

***Scott Young # 48
Right Wing
Height 6-1
Weight 200
Shoots Right
Born October 01, 1967
CLINTON, MA, USA

A two-way winger, Young combines good anticipation, speed and a powerful slapshot. He is strong on the forecheck and penalty kill. Selected by the Hartford Whalers in the first round (11th overall) in 1986. Won the Stanley Cup with the Pittsburgh Penguins in 1991 and the Colorado Avalanche in 1996. Named Hockey East Rookie of the Year (1985-86).***

Trey then goes up to file. He clicks on OPEN. He opens Yahoo. He does a search for Nelson Muntz (of "The Simpsons"). He finds a site for it. He looks for sounds. On the screen he says two words. HA HA. He clicks the link.]

Nelson: "Ha ha!"

[If Trey wasn't such a nice guy, he would make fun of Scott Young (not the hockey player) for not practicing what he preaches. For thinking HE KNOWS ALL, when he doesn't know a damn thing. So Scott Young, consider yourself lucky that Trey doesn't pull of a long rant about how dumb you are. You are wrong.

Good God, if you are in the military, I really fear for our future. Maybe it's time to go to Mexico. Me thinks not. How aboot Canada? No doot aboot it! Not. Sorry, I'll stick with the USA, no matter how dumb the people protecting this country are. Man, you're about as much use to this country as a ripped condom at about 12:30 a.m. on a Friday night/Saturday morning.

Trey does NOT know what up-downs up-downs are. But he guesses it has something to do with a certain part of the male anatomy being stimulated up and down, up and down, up and down....you know all about how that story climaxes though, don't you Young? Are you sure you're in the military? Oh wait, I've heard of this branch. It's called the Masturbating Marines, right? What does that sergeant DRILL into you? And what comes out of the bazookas you shoot at the enemy?

And Trey would probably also point out that you have a match with some other guy. Yeah, you're in the main event for some reason. Why are you worrying about Trey? Hmmm? Couldn't be because I am the only one, er, Trey is the only one saying anything interesting or controversial enough to get a reaction, could it?

Making every Trey Vincent promo a must see!

Trey = hits, I mean ratings. Ratings, right. Yeah.

And for the record, Amanda Hill has more talent in one of her breasts than you have in your whole body.

Maybe we could rename you Ben Zodiazepines.

Get it?

Nah, you probably don't. In other words, you are a great cure for insomnia Ben.

Oh yeah, Trey is now checking his email if you still care. But Trey doesn't matter. The narrator has taken control. Trey's point has already been made. Me? I ain't through with Scott Young yet.

Trey would probably also be upset with the use of the f-word in a promo. C'mon now Scott. Is that what you have to resort to? What the f*** is wrong with you, calling me f***in dumb? F*** you motherf***er! See, two can play that game f***face. I f***ed your f***ing mother motherf***er!

As for my name, Trey Vincent is a name that means victory. I know this will probably go over your head, or fall of the slope, but Trey means three, the most important number in sports entertainment because to win a match you must get a three count. As for Vincent, it means conqueror. Trey Vincent is a victor and conquerer. Scott Young is a young wanderer. So while you're wandering around, I'll come upon you, beat you, conquer you and leave you for the vultures. Youth is also a sure sign of ignorance, because if you had any brains in your skull, you'd know not to mess with the best. Trey Vincent is the best. He is the real deal. You are nothing.

Now, moving on, he says when you take away the irrelevent comedy acts...blah blah blah.

First of all, since when is wrestling such a serious thing? Hmm? Let's see. Who is more popular, The Rock or Dean Malenko. Hmm. Tough one. Could it be: The one with the personality?

So now I will call you Dean Ben Zodiazepines. Ben is now your middle name. It is so fitting as Dean means boring. And he swears again. What bulls***. Stop f***ing swearing so much Ben!

And then in irony of ironies, he tells Trey to be respectful, responsible and intellectual. He then tells Trey to go f*** himself.

Your intelligence level is staggering.

I don't think you're going to make it past this Fury if you keep pissing of the Sports Entertainment Icon like this.

Meanwhile, Trey is now checking out some other sites. He suddenly gets up and pulls out his cell phone. He dials some digits and waits. What is he up to?]

Trey: Yo. I need to order some food. Yeah. Trey Vincent. Yes I have an account with you people. Okay, here's what I need for Friday night. First of all, I need to get some caviar. Next on my list, how about some champagne. The best you got. Yeah, whatever. I'm thinking beer is always a good thing to have. Get me the usual. Yeah three 30-packs should do. And some vodka. I Absolut-ly need some vodka. I'm thinking strawberries might be good. I'd also like some bananas, carrots and hell, how about some cucumbers. Yes. That's fine. Umm...Chocolate syrup, strawberry syrup. I need some lobster. I need some fudge brownies. I need an apple pie. And....you have any illegal fireworks there? No? Damn. (He smiles suddenly.) Do you have New York style tacos?.....you don't? Hmm. Well. I guess I'll have to make my own. Guess that'll do it.

[Does anyone out there know what a New York style taco is? I'll give you a hint. If you can figure it out, more power to you. Let's say you've been drinking and suddenly your stomach isn't feeling too good. And let's say, you're with a chick. Now, things are progressing with the chick and you head "south of the border" with her but once you get to Mexico, suddenly, well, your stomach's like "Aye Chihuahua." And when it's too late, you realize that you really shouldn't have started eating that taco you bought because now it is...a New York style taco. Get it? Doubt it. Studs, you must know what that's all about.

Anyway Studs, you best beware. You can bet Trey no doubt will get his fireworks and that party Friday? Forgetaboutit.

As for Auryn, yeah, Trey still has to fight him. But that guy has been so quiet, I think he took Trey up on the advice to go bury himself alive. If he didn't, well, Auryn will lose at Fury whether he likes it or not.

As for now, Trey's got some stuff to do elsewhere. But get to your TV screens this Sunday to see TV dominate like nobody you have ever seen before. I know you'll miss Trey, but through the magic of videotape, Trey is immortal. You can keep watching his promos over and over and over. They only get better as time goes by.]

NEXT CHAPTER: BWAHAHAHA (morons, read) >>

© 2001 John Leary