An Excerpt From My Book Which Will Be Published in 2007

Chapter 3. How Many Circles Of Hell Are There?

The Metal Edge era. Ah yes. I remember it well.

I remember this one promo I did where I managed to piss off the whole roster. I saw this thing Studnuts did, I don't know if it was a promo or a shoot, but it was funny, giving predictions and whatever, and well...that boy just made me get going onto this...

{The following promo is rated M for mature. It contains adult content, strong sexual content, nudity, rape, violence, and offensive language. Don't believe me? I mean it this time. Really. Keep reading...er, watching.}

[We open in a classroom. All we can see is the dirty blackboard and an empty desk. And that white powder? Its just chalk, its not anthrax. I swear. A door slams shut and in from your right comes the Sports Entertainment Icon Trey Vincent. He is wearing a black suit, white shirt and a green tie. He smiles at the camera.

Our background music? You remember the movie "Batman"? The scene where Joker is on TV telling everyone about all the trouble he's caused with the city's cosmetics. You remember the music playing in the background. The part where those chicks with the big smiling lips go "Love that Joker!"

Well, the music isn't ANYTHING like that.

As a matter of fact, there isn't ANY background music.

Fooled you! But oh what I could do to those girls with those lips, and what they could do for me....Yes, your narrator is in a rather interesting mood tonight, can't wait to see what else I can say, ah hell, Trey's about to talk...]

Trey: Well, today is not your usual Trey Vincent rant. No. Today, we're going to teach a lesson. This will be lesson one. Can you say one? (He pauses.) I knew you could.

Trey: Lesson 1.

[Trey pulls up a giant cue card. On it, he has written in marker a list.]

Trey: No, these aren't the stone tablets. These are the paper tablets. I went to the mountain top and God revealed to me the commandments, or in this case, SIGNS, of bad sports entertainers. God is very sarcastic. How else could you explain people with no talent, like Auryn, complaining about jobbing in efeds?

[He then reads off each line as the camera pans down list number one. Which is, as follows:

Signs you're a bad ass:
1. You replace C with a K (Example: Krysis)
2. Your spellchecker is broken (Krysis, "Mean" Mike Savige)
3. You replace the last S in your last name with a Z (Steve Studnutz...er Hardy Boyz, Dudley Boyz...)
4. No one can pronounce your name (Auryn)
5. You are named after the weather (Rain, Hurricane)
6. You refer to yourself as 'Simply the Best' (Jason Stevens)
7. Daddy. Need I say more. (Chris "Big Daddy" Dalton)
8. You have a nickname, but not a real name ("The Final Cut" Exile... What's the deal with that? Did his parents name him Exile? Is Exile his first or last name? Who are these people?) *Note: for this, remember to talk like Jerry Seinfeld, it'll be golden!*
9. You have spaces in between your name ( F E A R)
10. You are named after a serial killer who liked to cut out people's eyeballs and kill Asian people and elderly women (Night Stalker)
11. You have an outlaw type of name (John Outlaw, "The Unforgiven" *See "Signs you're a jobber" number 1*)
12. Your name means violent, explosive anger (RAGE, Riley Rage)
13. Your caps lock is broken (RAGE)
14. You are named after a yacht (Arc-Angel)
15. Your name puts 'Mad Max' to shame ("Mean" Mike Whatever)
16. You put 'The' as part of your name (John "The Hardcore" Williams)
17. You put 'Hardcore' as part of your name *also check "Signs you're a jobber number 12 (John "The Hardcore" Williams)

Signs you're a jobber:
1. Your name is boring and forgettable (Matt Walker, Dan Hassler, Matt Roberts, Scott Young)
2. You put 'Icon' in your name (Chris Craze, Hulk Hogan)
3. You sound like a retarded superhero (Rando Sun)
4. Your name is Jason Stevens (Jason Stevens)
5. You are named after a hockey player (Scott Young)
6. You are named after actors nobody has ever heard of (Matt Walker, Jerry Campbell, Chris Dalton, Jason Stevens, Amanda Hill, Matt Roberts, John Williams, don't believe me? Go to www.imdb.com and type in those names. They all got SAG cards)
7. You have the name of a WWF/WCW former/current sports entertainer (Hurricane, Kane *Yeah it's Anson, but still*)
8. Riley? Are you shitting me? (Riley Rage)
9. Your name means to rebound at least once from a surface (Ricochet)
10. You miss out on a perfect chance to have a really goofy double meaning name ala Justin Credible (Ricochet could have been Rick O'Shay)
11. You are named after a direction (Sully West, and West is the key part of the name)
12. 'Hardcore' in your name. You know it. *Also see "Signs you're obsessed with hardcore gay porn" number 5* (John "The Hardcore" Williams)
13. I can make up a song to your name to some old song I don't remember the name of (Dude of Berk makes we want to sing the following song:
Dude, dude, dude
Dude of Berk, Dude, Dude
Dude of Berk, Dude, Dude
Dude of Berk, Dude, Dude
(repeat)
As I walk through this world
Nothing can stop me now I'm the Dude Of Berk
You, you are my girl
**I love you, oh no(?)
Chorus:
Oh yes and I
Oh I love you, oh oh
So come on let me hold you darling
'Cause I am the Dude Of Berk
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
And when I hold you
You are my Dudess
My Dudess of Berk
We'll walk through my dukedom
Oh yes a paradise we will share
Chorus
*Note: Break into song here, trust us, we'll put in the karaoke version of the song you're ripping off*]

[They didn't.]

Trey: Ok. Moving....on.

[Signs you are a dark dragon
1. Your name is Dark Dragon
2. Boy that was lame.

Signs you are obsessed with gay hardcore porn
1. Your gimmick name can also be used as slang for a penis (Example: Big Nasty, Chris "Big Daddy" Dalton)
2. Bodacious? C'mon (Example: Benjamin Bodacious)
3. You call yourself 'Five Star' and pretend you bang chicks at the snap of your fingers (Example: Jerry "Five Star" Campbell)
4. You are a woman (Example: Amanda Hill...c'mon, all chicks love to see two or more guys bang each other....and if you believe that....)
5. 'Hardcore' in your name. You know it. (John "The Hardcore" Williams)]

Trey: Trey Vincent would like to thank the following people for no apparent reason. God, Jesus and the man who invented television. Also, Mike Hawke, Ben Dover and his sister Eileen, Dick Swallower, Ray Pist, Ronny Comstein, Luke Atmydik, Dick Hurtz (from Holden), Dick Aiken, Eaton Beaver, Claude Balls and his dad Saul T., Ora Lee Bitten and Steve Studnuts. Not to forget Connie Lingus. Connie, I'll never forget you.

{End promo book flashback}

Anyhow, that Sunday, there was this match with that nobody Auryn, you know the guy who nobody could pronounce the name of? So everyone called him Urine. Yeah. Yellow boy, on Fury, I sure showed you what it's all about to get in the sports entertainment ring with me, didn't I? What's he doing these days? Oh right. He's in jail now for that whole grave robbing thing. Shame about that.

Pretty disturbing how when the police broke into his place that they found the silly bastard in a tub full of urine. Turns out after I beat him up so bad, he was so afraid to ever run into me again he developed chronic pant wetitis. After all his pants were soiled, not to mention his bed, there was only one thing left to do for the boy. That's right. Sleep in the tub.

Silly guy left the plug in, didn't even notice at first. Then once he did, he noticed his skin had such a pretty glow. Not to mention the pretty scent. But none of his dead girlfriends minded. They smelled a lot worse than he did. Necrophila. Can't live free with it. Can't live without it, right Auryn?

And then there was this guy named Scott Young. I think I mentioned him up above. Some jobber. Scott, let me explain something to you for the 50th time. Anything that comes out of my mouth is relevant, unlike you. As a matter of fact, I blinked and missed your promo. Twice! You know what? The jokes WERE hilarious. Death is one funny bastard! Bad taste? You havent seen bad taste yet. Strange that Death would make jokes all about the subject of death, isnt it? So you laughed. But you felt bad about it. Tough. Deal. Thats sports entertainment. But of course, I got even with you in the end, didnt I?

As far as being an imbecile, at least I can string together an entertaining promo instead of just doing a short little promo. After all, I have someone who can resort to that for me. Remember that short little promo I did as a spoof? I remember it like it was yesterday

{Promo about Scott Young.}

J.D. Kool: (He walks somewhere.) You people suck. So does Scott Young.

{End promo}

As for that bit about Connie Lingus and Studnuts. Funny story why I mentioned them....

[Keep waiting for more excerpts of Trey's book in the coming years.]

NEXT CHAPTER: SY has a low IQ (OR: Why is this guy a main eventer when I'm here?) >>

© 2001 John Leary