No!!!!!! (or: Part 2)

[Time has passed. Probably about 10 to 15 minutes. The lovely pair is sitting with Trey at...wait a second, that's sexist. I'm not writing that. The lovely couple is sitting with Trey....now c'mon. Grow up. It's not ALL about breasts, is it? The lovely jugs....Oh, let's just get to the dialogue already! Trey Vincent and April Donnelly are seated at a booth in a restaurant. It's pretty much deserted. They have no menus, so assume they've already ordered and are waiting for their food to come.]

Trey: Speaking of coming.

April: What?

Trey: Whoops, gotta stop you there. The word 'what' has been copyrighted. We can't use that word as part of our language anymore without getting sued for copyright infringement.

April: Really?

Trey: No, I was just kidding you.

April: (She smiles.) Very funny. So listen, let me tell you what Dude of Berk had to say about you.

Trey: Yes, let's. It is SO important because no doubt WORDS will have any impact on this match. The only impact in this sports entertainment match will be my fist bashing every inch of his body until I'm bored and decide to put him out of his misery with a pin. But go ahead.

April: He referred to moving himself up on the card, to mid-card. He called you a mid-carder.

Trey: That son of a whore. For that alone, I will kick his ass out his throat. I am the main event. It doesn't matter what position I am on the card. Everyone comes to see me. Especially the women. But to be honest, I've never come across anyone as beautiful as you in all my time.

April: Really? Not even Taylor Thompson.

Trey: (He gets a look on his face as if he's just been slapped. No, bitch-slapped. That was low. Bringing up Taylor's name.) Don't mention her again.

April: Sorry.

Trey: She's ancient history and all, but...you ever been in love April?

April: Of course.

Trey: Then you know love and pain are intertwined cruelly.

April: Yes. Let's get back to Dude.

Trey: Right. I am the main event. Think about it. If Nethery had any brains in his head, in those ads he runs on the pay-per-view preview channel, he'd simply flash the words Trey Vincent, Sunday, PPV. See him live. Actually, I'd change the name of the pay-per-view to Revelation, starring Trey Vincent. Huge buy rates. Look down for a second.

[She does.]

Trey: Even bigger than those.

[April looks up, a little disappointed or confused.]

Trey: Sorry. You have some nice breasts there. Couldn't help but notice. You are a very, very, very sexy woman. I can't belive we've never met before now.

April: Dude wants to fight for the Falchion title.

Trey: Good for him. What is the Falchion title? Trey Vincent is everyone's TV champion. I don't need a belt to prove how good I am.

April: Don't you want a title?

Trey: What good would that be? My luck, I win a title and this place closes. Do you know how hard it is to pawn a title belt? Man, I tried to dump the EWS European Title, and they laughed at me! They didn't ever hear of the fed. But please, continue this interview. If Dude of Berk thinks he can truly beat Trey Vincent, I gladly will invite him into the sports entertainment ring and give him the sports entertainment lesson of a lifetime before pinning him for the 1, 2, 3.

April: May I be honest with you Trey? I know I'm supposed to be unbiased and everything, but Dude really will be no match for you. Do you know what his big claim to fame is? Beating Krysis and Ricochet. He said he was going to "kick the living balls" out of you.

Trey: BWAHAHAHAHAHA. What else?

April: He said something along the lines of that he doesn't know you, he's seen you wrestle...

Trey: Sports entertain. When will these people get it through their thick skulls. The only entertainment is sports entertainment. There is no other form. We have evolved. We are the elite. I am a sports entertainer. Actually, that w-word is a fitting one for him, since he is a lowly....you know what he is. I can't even speak that word. It is SO beneath me. Go on.

April: He said he never had tea and crumpets with you.

Trey: True that. Don't even know what a crumpet is.

April: He doesn't have a problem with you, but he will kick your ass Sunday. You better be ready for a fight because if you think this is going to be like finding a horse in a haystack, it's more like finding a fingernail in a haystack. He told you it's not going to be easy for you so you better bring your gear and be prepared for an ass beating. So, Trey, the question he posed is, can Dude beat Trey Vincent?

Trey: Well, let's look at it like this. First off, Dude, you are not kicking any balls of mine, living or dead. As far as not knowing me, EVERYONE knows who Trey Vincent is. I'm like a dirty little treasure nobody will admit they like. Every idiot who I verbally shred hates me, but they all wish they had a quarter of my talent. But you know what? Check the ratings. Check the merchandise sales. Check the MEW Web page hits. Check the attendance figures since I showed up. Check it all. Then get back to me.

Trey: As far as kicking my ass, kick it all you want. Sports entertainment is not about kicking ass, it's about winning. And I am a winner. You see, Dude, I will kick your ass, but the difference is, I will win at the end of the match. Every sports entertainer goes into every match knowing that he is going to take an ass whooping. Hell, even your kind know that. But we still go in, knowing our bodies will get thrown and beaten and kicked and gouged and maybe even busted open or broken in places. But yet we step through the ropes and wait for the bell.

Trey: Why? If you even have to ask that question, you are a loser. I do this to win. To be the best. To show MY fans what the difference is between a pretender and a contender. A winner and a loser. A scrub and a sports entertainer. A scrap heap and a limousine. Piss and beer. Spam and steak. Whatever comparison you can come up with. In every case I've just mentioned, Dude is a loser, a pretender, a scrub, a scrap heap, piss and Spam. I could go on and on all night illustrating the difference between us.

Trey: But I won't. Because Sunday, the example will be there right in front of your eyes for the whole pay-per-view world to see. As far as all that crap about horses and fingernails in a haystack, I don't even understand what the hell he was talking about. So if you want to avoid some embarassment, why don't you go jump into that haystack and not show up Sunday. That way you can take a loss, but at least you can save yourself a beating and just take the count out loss.

Trey: On Fury, I proved what I can do when I'm sober and awake. I'm pretty sure I'll be both of those again this week, especially since it's Pay-Per-View. I am undefeated at every pay-per-view I've ever been on. And Dude is not going to break my undefeated streak. You don't have the charisma. You don't have a sports entertainment bone in your body.

Trey: So, in answer to the question, can Dude beat Trey??? I got two letters for you. N-O. Ah hell, throw in a few exclamation points too, maybe !!!!!!!. Yeah, that's good.

[A waitress arrives with their food. Now that Trey has totally out promo-ed his opponent, what could April and Trey talk about? Love? Romance? The pros and cons of the human body as a plate? Holding hands? Warm summer nights? Candlelight? Grilled cheese sandwiches and hot dogs (which oddly enough, each one has ordered, I think you can guess who ordered what)? Embarassing moments? Former lovers? How they got to MEW? What Dave Rodriguez does in his office when he's alone? Their exercise programs? Well, we'll never know, since we're out of time.]

NEXT CHAPTER: Boring everyone 10 times by Jerry "0-Talent" Campbell >>

© 2001 John Leary