TBA, you bastard, you're mine!

[We open in a hotel room. Trey Vincent is sitting at the edge of a queen-sized bed, staring straight ahead at his television. You get to look at him from his right side, you lucky people, that's his good side. Well, when you look like Trey, you really don't have a bad side. You people? You ALL have bad sides. That's why everyone hates Trey, because he didn't fall of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down like YOU.]

TV chick: Do you believe in fate?

TV dude: I didn't until I met you.

TV chick: Ahh, you're so sweet. Want to (censored).

TV dude: I'd rather (censored).

Trey: You tell her kid!

TV chick: Wouldn't that hurt?

Trey: Not enough!

TV dude: No way baby. I'll be smooth and gentle.

Trey: Smooth and gentle as a wrecking ball!

[At the door...in Trey's room, not on TV, there is a knock. Trey looks at the TV screen, then looks at the door. Back to the TV, back to the door. He might be wondering if he should shut off the TV before answering the door. Or maybe, he's wondering if he should ignore answering the door and just continue watching some quality TV. Or maybe he's wondering who is at the door. Trey grabs the remote and turns the volume down. Then, the person outside the door knocks again. Trey quietly walks over to the door and peeps out the peephole.]

Trey: Who's out there.

Bad guy: Uh, we're here to kick your ass.

Trey: Screw off!

Bad guy 2: Dumb ass. You're supposed to lie when you get to the door.

Bad guy: Oh! I come bearing a message from Travis Speck.

Trey: Speck? (His jaw drops.) It's about damn time. Don't tell me the SWL is about to start up and I can finally leave this federation!

[Trey unlocks the door and opens it wide. Outside, he finds two shady characters. Both are big boys. We would go into further description, but suddenly the camera is knocked to the floor and we are treated to a view of the shadows underneath the bed. In the background, we hear the sounds of a beating being handed down. Handicap style. Two on one. The sounds of kicks to the ribs. Punches to the head. Knees to the groin. And then, a sick moan. The door clicks open. And the door clicks shut. The camera is picked up. Now, we find Trey Vincent laying face down, half in the bathroom, half in the hallway.]

Trey: (He looks up from the camera, blood streaming from his right eyebrow over his cheek.) Damn. Those guys were good! (He drops his head and the blood begins to puddle around his head on the bathroom floor.

Until...

His head pops up again.) Don't call for help. I'll be cool. But could you go buy me some whiskey? Thanks bro.

[Fade out.

Until...

We open in darkness. There is a knocking sound. Kind of like, on a door. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Yep, sounds like fist to wood to me. A light clicks on. Trey looks at the clock beside the bed.]

Trey: Who's got the nerve to disturb the Sports Entertainment Icon at 2:30 in the afternoon. Can't a guy get some sleep anymore? If this is housekeeping, I'm so gonna kick some foreign ass right here.

[Trey slides off the bed and holds onto the wall to get his balance. He is wearing only a pair of sweatpants. He has a nasty little bloody bulge bruise thing happening over his right eye. He walks to the door and looks out the peep hole.]

Trey: Wow. Did I call an escort service in my delirium this morning?

[He unhooks the chain and opens the door.]

Trey: Do you have a blackbelt or any weapons on you, darling?

Woman: No.

Trey: Who are you?

Woman: My name is April Donnelly. I work for MEW.

Trey: Not enough. Good God, you are smoking. Come on inside honey.

[Trey opens the door wide and allows the beautiful April inside his dark hotel room. She is wearing a tight brown sweater (and luckily for all our viewers, somebody appears to have forgotten to wear a bra), and a black dress that goes down just about to her knees. Trey's probably thinking, "Should be around her ankles." But luckily he would never say something THAT crude, now would he? And she's got on some nice black high heels. Trey looks her up and down after he shuts the door.]

Trey: How YOU doin'?

April: (She smiles.) I'm OK. What happened to your eye?

[Trey walks past her and heads to the drapes. He pulls them open wide to reveal the mostly sunny (or partly cloudy, whichever you like, it's all about you on this one) day. He puts a hand to his face to cover his eyes. He leaves the thin white part of the drape closed but pulls open the room darkening part to fill the room with light. Why? When you got as hot a chick as April in your room, you want to see every inch, every bulge, everything. Get it?]

Trey: I accidentally beat myself up. No big deal. I tripped and fell and landed on my own fist, and the impact was so great, well, you see the results. Just imagine how much this fist (he says holding up his right hand in a fist) is gonna bash TBA's face.

April: TBA?

Trey: Yeah, my opponent. I couldn't find a bio on this guy, but those three letters don't scare me, cause I got two letters. TV.

April: Uh, Trey, you have an opponent for "Revelation." Dude of Berk.

Trey: Dude of Berk is TBA?

April: Do you know what TBA stands for?

Trey: Darling, when you've been in this business as long as I've been, well, you see some really goofy names.

April: Well, listen, the card's changed, I guess.

Trey: Let me guess. Now I'm facing Dude of Berk, right?

April: Yeah. And I just recently talked to Dude.

Trey: Oh, you on a first name basis with him?

April: Dude isn't his first name.

Trey: His initials are D.O.B. Which also stands for date of birth. Is it hot in here, or is it you?

April: (She smiles again.) Listen Trey.

Trey: Can you call me Trey?

April: I just did.

Trey: Oh, right. (Trey heads over to the bed. He returns the covers to the neat position and takes a seat on the edge of the bed.) Darling, if you want to interview me, you're gonna have to do it right here.

April: OK. (She sits down beside him.) What, did you think I'd not?

Trey: What you want to know? (he says putting an arm around her lower back).

[April looks down at his left hand, which has snaked around her. She pulls his arm away...but with a smile. You all know what that means.]

April: Dude of Berk says he can't wait to fight you.

Trey: Well I can't wait to sports entertain him.

April: (She smiles again.) Do you take anything serious?

Trey: Just the important stuff. Tell me about you. What do you look like naked?

April: (She frowns.) Trey....

Trey: Just kidding. We can find out later once the camera's off. Go ahead, ask me some more in depth questions.

April: He wants to use you as a stepping stone. He wants to move up the ranks.

Trey: Does he? Well, let me tell the Dude something. Dude doesn't have what it takes to beat me. Granted, he has more talent than some other people in this federation, but he isn't Trey Vincent. He isn't the most outrageous sports entertainer of all time is he? No. He doesn't possess the single most devastating move in the business today, Coming Down, does he? No. He has the charisma of...well, let's just say if charisma was a box, he would be like an inchworm in a tunnel, know what I mean baby?

April: I hear you.

Trey: Are you hungry?

April: Well, I haven't eaten lunch yet.

Trey: Care for some room service. On me.

[April gets a puzzled look on her face.]

Trey: No, I don't mean ON me, I mean I'll buy it for you.

April: Oh sure.

Trey: Or we could go down to the lounge restaurant.

April: Even better. I'll meet you down there?

Trey: Down where?

April: You know where.

[To be continued...]

NEXT CHAPTER: No!!!!!! (or: Part 2) >>

© 2001 John Leary