Heaven's Devils, Trey Vincent is back

{The following promo is rated M for mature. It contains adult content, strong sexual content, nudity, rape, violence, and offensive language. Don't believe me? Keep reading...er, watching.}

[A bar? That's right a bar. We're in a bar. The lights are low, provided by strings of blue and white Christmas lights hung over the bar. At the bar sit mainly a bunch of dudes in their lates 20s and early 30s, hell, even a few are older than that. I spy a pair of gentlemen in their 50s, smoking and drinking bottles of beer at one end of the bar. There are ladies, but they all appear taken (but God knows for what reason, bunch of leatherfaced, overweight...I could go on, but why bother, they ain't nothing special). Bottles of beer is the main drink of choice, as everyone's got a brown or green bottle of the magical liquid that makes life seem oh so fabulous. We head around the corner of the bar.

[Sitting at the far end of the bar, the one closest to the cash register (nice strategic planning, no doubt), we see the Sports Entertainment Icon, the man you will all soon bow down to and thank God that television was created, Trey Vincent. Yes, Trey Vincent. Now, some of you may know the name, some may not. For those of you who don't know what Trey Vincent is all about, go to his Web site. I don't want to waste time getting into history, get it? Yes, your narrator is lazy as hell. But to sum up, Trey Vincent is the most talented promo making smack talker in the biz. Sports entertainment biz. But enough history. History is done with. So, back to now, Trey Vincent is waving a $5 bill at the brunette bartender. She sees it and like all women comes for the money and delivers another beer. Ah, a perfect woman. She takes the cash and even gives him change!

[But before he can talk, we suddenly hear a deep female voice in the background begin talking on a microphone. The camera turns to a small stage in the back of the bar. A spotlight has been turned on as has some other lights to illuminate the stage. It is a woman with long blonde hair and a body that looks like it has lived a very full life and is starting to show it.]

Chica: Hello everyone, thanks for coming tonight. Before the dance party begins, we have a special guest for the evening. And now, the comedy stylings of....Death!

[She applauds and there is some light applause from the drunken mass of humanity. The few tables around the front of the stage are empty. Then, from somewhere, comes a large man carrying a scythe and robed in black. He is at least 6-6 and looks built. For a dead guy, he's in some good shape. He gets centerstage and extends a bony hand to Chica, who shakes it and then looks down at the hand, disturbed. She exits, stage right, with a quick walk. Death has a bottle of water and puts it deep inside his hood and takes a swig. Even with all the lights, his face is hidden from view. He puts a bony hand on the microphone and pulls the microphone free from its stand. He moves the stand toward the back of the stage. In a gravelly voice, Death begins his act.]

Death: Good evening people. Bet none of you thought you'd be seeing the Grim Reaper here, now did you? Guess you all know what that means? Yes, that's right, this building is about to collapse and you are all about to die!

[Rim shot]

Death: BWAHAHAHAHAHA (he says bending over in hysterics). Just kidding. But seriously, we're here for a good time. So keep drinking, and one day you'll be seeing me REAL soon.

[Rim shot]

[In case you haven't noticed, it has suddenly become VERY quiet in the bar. Where before the sounds of boring conversation, glasses clinking and other bar noises created a beautiful little soundscape, now, there is nothing.

Death: Is this thing on?

[Rim shot]

Death: Let's try some new material. Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when all of a sudden Moses shouts out, ''You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again.'' And he throws his hands in the air and magically the ocean parts.

Jesus sees this and says, ''I'm going to try and walk on water again!'' So he walks up to the water and takes a step on top and sinks! Moses says, ''Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while.'' So Jesus tries again and once more, he sinks.

Jesus comes up out of the water and says, ''I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet!''

[Rim shot]

[Silence.]

[Then...]

Trey: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Trey walks into camera view and takes a seat directly in front of death.]

Death: Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and both restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[Rim shot]

Trey: BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, YOU ARE GOOD!

[Behind Trey: silence.]

Death: One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Rim shot]

Trey: Pfffffffftttttt, BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Your sister! Oh that's golden!

Death: An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Rim shot]

Trey: AHAHAHAHAHA. All the lawyer are in hell!!! That's GREAT! You're the man, Death!

[Behind Trey: silence.]

Death: Three guys are standing in line to get into heaven. Just as they are about to enter, St. Paul stops them and tells them they have room for only one more person, so the one who died the worst death may enter.

The first guy explains his death: "I always had a suspicion that my wife was having an affair so I came home early one day to find that there was nobody but her. That is until I peered over the balcony to find a man hanging from the ledge in his boxers. I got so upset that I started stomping on his hands but he wouldn't let go. I got a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, but he wouldn't let go. Then finally I went inside and grabbed the fridge and dropped it on top of him. After I looked down to see that he was crushed to death, I felt so bad that I took a shotgun and killed myself."

The second guy says: "I was getting ready for my workout in the afternoon and I always do my aerobic videos in my boxers. Today I somehow slipped and fell off my balcony. Luckily, there was the balcony on the floor below so I held on to the rail. As I was calling for help some lunatic started yelling at me and started stomping on my fingers. He brought out a hammer and started pounding on my fingers, then he quit and went back inside. When I thought he was gone I started pulling myself up from the ledge and all I could see was a huge refrigerator falling on top of me and I fell with it 10 flights below, and now I'm here."

The third guy says: "Well you see, I was having this affair with some lady, and her husband comes home from work early, so I hid in the fridge."

[Trey's chair tips over and he starts pounding on the floor with his fist, laughing as hard as ever. Meanwhile, the cool cat Death on stage takes another swig of his water. The camera finally turns around and we see the drunken group is staring blankly at the stage. Some jaws hang open in disbelief at what they are seeing. The world has stopped. Death is looking each one of them in the eye.]

Death: You've been a great crowd. Thanks for coming.

Trey: One more joke! One more joke!

Death: Aw, you are too kind. Okay, here's my big encore. A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

[Rim shot]

Trey: BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Behind Trey: silence.]

Death: Thank you! Good night. You've been a great crowd.

[Everyone was afraid to laugh at death. Except Trey Vincent. So what is the point of this promo? Fair enough question. Maybe Trey will enlighten us. The camera heads over to Trey.]

Trey: Greeetings Metal Edge...(he coughs and tries to say the last word, but whatever he says comes out garbled. Perhaps it was nestling, maybe pestering, gesturing, wasn't clear.) I am your new Sports Entertainment Icon. Trey Vincent. Now, you'll get to know me as the weeks go past, but today I'll keep my comments on my big bad opponent Auryn. Just as I laughed at Death tonight, I laugh at you. Auryn, just because you like to go to graveyards and sit on tombstones like they're horses because it gives you a "funny feeling," or maybe you just like the shovels. More specifically the handle.

Trey: But we're not here to throw accusations around like that. Since you like death so much, when we meet, you will get to do an imitation of a dead man, since I will no doubt leave you unconscious and unmoving with the most lethal finisher in sports entertainment, Coming Down. I was walking through a graveyard in California the other day. Guess what I saw? Tombstones for your charisma and your sports entertaining ability. So I ask you? What the hell is left of Auryn? Answer: nothing! Without either of those two traits, you are a nothing in this business. So we can go through the formality of me beating your ass all over the arena and getting the 1, 2, 3.

Trey: Because life is all about wasting time until you die. And when you die, and go to sports entertainment hell, I hope you are forced to watch your own promos for eternity so you know what pure agony is. The only way you will avoid an amazing amount of embarassment, not to mention ANOTHER loss to a FAR SUPERIOR sports entertainer, why don't you go into that grave you dug for Studs and pull the dirt over your body. That way, we can solve two problems. One, you will avoid getting the sports entertainment lesson of a lifetime from Trey Vincent. And two, you will die. Which can only be a good thing.

Trey: Now, there are many questions about me floating around. But I don't care. I'm at a bar. (He suddenly looks to his left and sees a chick, an Angie Everhart, Darva Conger, Cindy Crawford, with a smidgen of Sarah Michelle Gellar looking chick.) That couldn't be, could it? Hmm. (Trey stands up and rubs the front of his pants as if he's got an itch. You know what kind of itch.) Auryn, don't waste your time preparing to win. Just concentrate on coping with losing. It's what happens when anyone dares step into the sports entertainment ring with me.

[The chick mentioned before, remember her? Read up a couple lines if you're skimming. Well, she gets onto the stage, as the D.J. is ready to crank some dance tunes. Some old school rap (Tone Loc? No way!) begins playing and she begins to get her groove on. Trey joins the chick and the two begin to grind together. We fade out.]

NEXT CHAPTER: An Excerpt From My Book Which Will Be Published in 2007 >>

© 2001 John Leary