Coming Down: A New Minnesota Today Column

By Trey Vincent
EWS Sports Entertainment Superstar

I feel so sorry for you. Why? Because you're you and not me.

You are reading the words of the most outrageous sports entertainer of all-time in the comfort of your house, or at your work, or on the bus, or in your car - LOOK OUT!

The man who has forever changed the face of sports entertainment will now forever change the face of the newspaper business. Minneapolis' most famous son has come home, well, at least he's writing as if he's at home. For your hometown newspaper.

Now, in this first column, which is right now scheduled to be a weekly look into the wrestling world, I am simply going to tell you how this whole deal came to be.

Trey Vincent was at first pissed when the phone rang that fateful Monday morning. Funny story, I actually hung up on my old friend (and I use that term loosely) from the Minneapolis Daily-Times-Herald-Star-Sun-Sentinel-Post-Tribune Today repeatedly at first. Why? That's none of your business.

Anyway, after the third time and the mood was ruined completely, I actually listended to what my old friend had to say. Now a sports editor at the Minneapolis "It Takes You Longer To Read Our Name Than Our Stories" On this day, Gino Testaverde had an idea. A vision if you will.

Me.

So here I am. The newest and best columnist. And I hope all my fellow Minnesotans appreciate this, considering the pay I'm getting.

Curt Hennig. Rick Rude. Arn Anderson. Bob Backlund. X-Pac. Wasn't Ric Flair originally from here? I don't know. Doesn't matter. And this state has Jesse Ventura as the governor.

And now, add to the long list the greatest state sports entertainment export, Trey Vincent. This state has a long and proud professional sports entertainment history. And just as monkeys once made the leap to man, I, Trey Vincent, am making the same leap in the sports entertainment business.

If there was a chart of evolution, it would probably start out with Backlund, since he's the oldest and dorkiest. Then it would move along to Flair and Anderson. Then Hennig and Rude. And then X-Pac. Now, look at all those people. All of them, with the exception of X-Pac, are old school to the core. Totally stuck in another disgusting era we will call "wrestling."

Now, this state has FINALLY made the leap into the sports entertainment world. X-Pac (though he obviously lacks mic skills and wrestling talent of my caliber) was the bridge, and I no doubt have burned his ass as I walked over his back into this world.

But it is silly to dwell on the past. For now we can dwell on the present and future of this business, me.

For those of you who don't know, I sports entertain in the Extreme Wrestling Scene. This is a little hardcore federation that loves to feature blood and broken bodies. It sacrifices the health of its performers just to appease its sick, bloodthirsty fans.

Why do I work there? They pay me. That's about it. Same reason I'm writing this. It's all about the Benjamins.

Now, the EWS has a big pay-per-view coming up Sept. 16. It's called "A Cold Day In Hell." I think next week I'll talk more in depth about my match, but for now, let's just take a look at the rest of the "supporting" matches. Everyone will be buying the PPV for my big European Title match, the rest is gravy.

So here are Trey's predictions for the show.

Match 1: Stan Hudson & Remarkable Man vs Syko Sam & Carrier (Tornado Tag Match). Don't know. All these guys really suck. Further proof that everyone should buy the PPV just for my match. I am money. But, eeney, meeney, miney mo, Hudson's team. Carrier will probably trip getting in the ring, fall flat on his face and be pinned before Syko Sam even realizes what's happened.

Match 2: Endurance vs Herman Smackdown. (Extreme Match, #1 contender for Extreme Title). Endurance wins hands down. Trey Vincent does not hand out compliments easily, but I have got to tell you. In recent days the man who wants to ride my coattails to the tag teams titles has been the second most entertaining sports entertainer in this federation. After the loss, look for Herman to change his last name to Rawiswar.

Match 3: Hurley vs Shawn Striker vs JC Larriet (#1 contendership for European Title, Table Elimination Match). OK, this one affects The Franchise Player, for the winner of this match gets to face me at a later date. Basically, the winner of this match will get squashed by me whenever we meet. These guys are all pathetic. But I guess Striker wins. So Striker has to look forward to being pinned by the Sports Entertainment Icon.

Match 4: Prototype vs Trey Vincent vs Da Thug (European Title, scaffold ladder match). Here is yet another example of the federation trying to ruin one promising career. But it'll be worth it because the EWS will finally have a European Champion who doesn't cut promos at a fourth grade level.

Match 5: Sly Malone vs Sam Douglas (Extreme Title). Who is Sam Douglas? Sly wins, I guess. I guess they're throwing this match on here since they know the crowd will be so exhausted from my great match that they'll need to recover. This is a total filler match.

Match 6: Smash vs. Freak Daddy vs. Fondu. (#1 Contendership USA, US Flag on a pole match). Hmm, this sounds suspiciouly old-school. No, Hacksaw Jim Duggan will not be the referee. Smash is smashed all the time now (he recently was arrested for something, like I care). Fondu will unveil a new gimmick, the Invisible Man. So your winner is Freak Daddy.

Match 7: Neverafter (c) vs Nightmare. (USA TITLE). It's the misery chick. She is so cool. What man in America would not want to bend her over and invade her royal....hmm, family newspaper. OK. Well, let's just say instead of talking about how miserable she is, she could be doing something much more useful with her mouth.

Main Event: (Carnival of Carnage Match). President Cool, Steve Studnuts, Korruption and Doom VS. Commish Avalanche, Nethery, Rick Storm and Anaconda. Now, me being new to this federation, I don't know what the hell Disciplined Breakdown is and I really don't care. I don't even know which side is Disciplined Breakdown. I guess they're the "good" guys or "faces" if you will. Which means they suck and I boo them. So the winner, by default, in a match that promises plenty of bruises, cuts, broken tables and God knows what else they're going to do, is President Cool's team. Since he signs my paychecks.

Well Gino, that's all I got for now. It's funny. Guys like you walk this planet as nobodies, a man behind the scenes. Me? I'm the man in the spotlight. It's just how it has to be. When you look as good as I look, when you sports entertain like I sports entertain, and when you write like I write, well, 15 minutes of fame JUST AIN'T ENOUGH.

Now, for the future, all of my adoring readers are invited to send me any sorts of questions via email and I will answer them in this column. Or, feel free to send me any news tips, suggested storylines, overheard conversations or whatever other crap you've got, as I would like to expand the scope of this column a bit. Don't write to the paper because I'm not in Minnesota much these days, life as a sports entertainer and private investigator is hard.

Editor's note: Minneapolis native Trey Vincent is a sports entertainment superstar with the Extreme Wrestling Scene and can be seen weekly on their Sunday night show "Bedlam" and Sept. 16 on pay-per-view at "A Cold Day In Hell." He is also a private investigator. The opinions expressed in this column are those only of Trey Vincent and not this paper. His column will appear here weekly. Email Trey Vincent at: booker_j_2000@hotmail.com.

NEXT CHAPTER: The Birthday Party (Gets Extreme) >>

©2001 John Leary