The Gay One Visits the Zoo (Or: Another Two-Hour Rant Dedicated to Studs)

[We open on a sign: The Mountain Lion is a solitary, strongly territorial hunting species. The male spends a lot of time marking his large territory. The female has a smaller territory, which may overlap slightly with one of a male. Unlike most cats, it hunts day or night, although it is generally active by day only in undisturbed areas, choosing to hunt at night in populated areas to avoid humans. A good climber and excellent jumper, able to leap more than 20 feet (6 m). This cat can swim but will only when necessary. Solitary animals, they only pair up during the breeding season, when for about two weeks male and female hunt together and sleep side by side. Mountain Lions can be very dangerous animals. Some have been known to injure or even kill people but they tend to avoid humans unless cornered and threatened or suddenly surprised.

The camera pans up and looks into a rocky pit, the lair of the dangerous beast. In the pit are a few tall pine trees and a couple of gray trees. It prowls its territory, looking in every direction, as if it thinks it is about to be attacked from any and all sides. The beast has brownish fur and a white belly. Long, heavy, muscular legs.]

Taylor (voice): Oh my God, look in the tree.

[The camera pans left to one of the gray trees. Sitting on a thick low branch, staring directly at the camera, is another mountain lion. Its eyes lock with the unblinking eye of the camera. It is a staring contest that is broken by the camera as it pans left now and turns around to the beautiful Taylor Thompson on your right and the most outrageous man in sports entertainment, Trey Vincent. They are standing side by side with their arms around each other. Taylor looks at Trey, who is just kind of standing there.]

Taylor: What's wrong?

Trey: What's wrong? Plenty is wrong. First on my list is The Prototype. I think this guy would have had a better shot at keeping that title if he had left the country and gone to Europe to hide. But that's fine. He can come get his sports entertainment lesson like a man. You know what really, well, it doesn't piss me off for obvious reasons, but it just, bothers me.

Taylor: What?

Trey: Here's yet another scrub who managed to win a title before there was any talent of my calibre in this federation. And now he thinks he can defend it successfully by calling me Trey the Gay? This is a joke right? This is your EWS European Champion?

Taylor: What a joke.

Trey: First of all Prototype, grow up. What's wrong with you? You build a whole promo about what a fag I am. Man, are you gay or something?

Taylor: Uh, Trey?

Trey: What? Oh, right. Anyway, this little member of the EWS Z-Team then claims that I had sex with a bell in Philadelphia. Now, not to teach you history, because you're obviously a complete moron, and totally imperfect. Imperfect one. That bell got busted back in the 1700s. Did I have sex with the bell in a previous life? How the hell should I know! And why would that matter now? If I did have sex with the bell in a previous life then I'm sure it was a great lay. It just stayed still and didn't complain about not having an orgasm.

Taylor: What the hell are

Trey: Darling, please. This has nothing to do with you.

Taylor: Well, I know that, we haven't even done

Trey: Thank you (he says putting his hand over her lips). So Prototype, the only way I could have sex with that bell and film a gay porno movie is if by some fluke I own a time machine. But guess what? I don't. Now, onto other accusations. Now, if Trey Vincent had been alive when the Declaration of Independence was signed, they would have had to have written that "All Men Are Created Equal, Except For Trey Vincent." They would have made me the first president of this worthless country and I would have been the United States Franchise Player instead of just the EWS Franchise Player. You like this country so much, fine. I got no problem with it, other than the fact that you are wasting perfectly good oxygen.

Trey: Now, why are we at the zoo today? Just to illustrate a couple of points.

[The camera spins around the zooms in on one the mountain lion that is prowling the rocky terrain.]

Trey: The Mountain Lion is a solitary, strongly territorial hunting species. He doesn't need anybody to survive. The territory: The EWS. The male spends a lot of time marking his large territory. I've told everyone since day one that I am the Franchise Player, the Sports Entertainment Icon and the real deal. I am the future of this company. I've marked this company. And Prototype dares to come into my space, the sports entertainment ring this Sunday? You'd have a better shot going into this pit.

Trey: Solitary animals, they only pair up during the breeding season, when for about two weeks male and female hunt together and sleep side by side. Hmm. I hope we last a little longer than two weeks.

Taylor: Maybe three?

Trey: Well, at least until you head to Europe. Though I know it would make your trip that much better if I was still European Champ by then. It would almost be like a little bit of me is there with you.

Taylor: That would be, comforting.

Trey: Mountain Lions can be very dangerous animals. Some have been known to injure or even kill people but they tend to avoid humans unless cornered and threatened or suddenly surprised. (He pauses.) Interesting.

[The camera turns around and finds Trey staring at the sign.]

Trey: Prototype, come Sunday. (He walks right up to the camera.) The mountain lion you are locking eyes with now is a very dangerous animal. You see, you've got something I want. You have that little piece of gold hanging over your shoulder. And guess who's going to take it from you after unleashing a flurry of sports entertainment moves on you and make you bleed and beg and pray to God for the torment to end? I'm the hunter. This is my game. And you're my victim.

Trey: The only difference between me and that animal in the pit is that he ain't wearing a winter hat.

Taylor: And he's furrier than you are.

[Trey rolls his eyes. He steps back toward the sign and then heads toward the chain link fence. He pulls out a different winter hat from his white, green and black Army style pants. This one is red. He looks down at the hat and then heaves it down into the pit.]

Trey: Hoohoo. Wear it in good health my friend. Wear it in good health. (He turns around.) Duh Scrub has also been talking about the Franchise Player again. But who cares? Duh Scrub just wants to be me so all he does in his promo is talk about the things I've said. Well Scrub. Trey Vincent isn't going to make you famous. No. He is going to make you history at the pay-per-view.

Trey: All you do is say I'm boring and then turn everything around that I've said and pass it off as your own. You want to be the Franchise Player, you so badly want to be Trey Vincent, but you will never be because you are nothing but an annoying little scrub. So go smoke your blunts. Go watch your big screen TV. Go drive around in your little hip hop car. Go hump those walking disease. You know what? Keep dreaming about leaving me a bloody mess because that's all you are doing if you think you have a chance in hell of beating the most outrageous sports entertainer that ever walked God's green earth.

Trey: You see, this woman right here? You call her anything you want. You call me anything you want. The fact is she is a model and you have sex with little crack whores who you shoot up and then ravage their unconscious bodies. This woman standing beside me, IS a woman. A real woman. Not a whore. Not a slut. Not a little crack whore. A woman. Something you could never hope to have in your entire life. Have I banged her? No. I work for her. Would I want to? Bet your ass. Would she bang me? (He looks at her and is silent.)

Taylor: Finish your promo, I want to finish this trip. Remember, you work for me.

Trey: So cruel. Oh yeah, Steve Studnuts. Now, for all the Trey Vincent fans who don't know, Steve Studnuts is considered to be one of the top players in this federation. Steve, I'll say this to you once and only once. You can kiss the Franchise Player's ass all you want, but it ain't gonna stop me from climbing up the ladder and kicking your ass off of it. And if you, Duh Scrub or the Prototype gets in my way, I'll leave your body ravaged, ripped and torn to shreds. Because I'm Trey Vincent. This mountain lion only knows one direction, and that's up.

Static.

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©2001 John Leary