Golden Showers

[The scene opens on a television screen. We hear a small crash. The camera pulls back and we see the TV is sitting upon a black entertainment center. In a shelf underneath the television is a cable box, and on the bottom shelf is a VCR and a few stacked VCR tapes. Another crash. The camera then scans the room. Plain white walls. A dark blue carpet. A king-size bed with purple sheets and a black and blue checkered blanket. A few video cassettes are scattered on the blanket. The camera continues to head right and we find that there is a desk in the corner of the room. There, sitting behind the desk, is Trey Vincent. He is shuffling through a stack of videotapes, reading the spines, and then tossing some into a garbage bag and chucking others onto the bed. He throws another tape into the garbage can, causing a plastic crash.]

Trey: (Looking up at the camera.) Do you know what I have in here? These are copies of some of the B-teamers promos. I know, I know, I should narrow it down since there are so many working for the EWS, but I'm not going to waste time on them. There are millions of questions surrounding The Franchise Player at this point in time. Everyone wants to get a hold of me. No, not because of the silly little EWS. You'd think because I'm about to be crowned European Champion that would mean something, but no. You see, just to catch everyone up, I am in the mansion of the beautiful soon to be ex-model Taylor Thompson. She has hired me to protect her body. My god, I must be the luckiest guy on the planet.

Trey: Anyway, I know you expect more from me, but since my opponent has been silent since learning about our match this Sunday, well, I think he's hopped a plane and went over to Europe to hide from me. That's fine. You can keep that belt. Because the EWS will proudly give me a brand new belt, one that hasn't been touched by the hands of such nobodies as Anaconda, Doom and Prototype. Everyone's TV champion will become European Champion this Sunday. And then in just a matter of days, I will pick up a new crown. Mr. Buyrate. I see I have been announced to defend my newly won European Title at "A Cold Day In Hell" against a man who calls himself Duh Scrub. A man who pretends to be a big shot but who has no talent. But I'll deal with him later.

[Trey stands up and tosses the rest of the tapes on the desk onto the bed. He walks over to the television and grabs a remote. He turns everything on and pops a tape into the machine. Before he can get onto the bed, there is a knock at the door.]

Trey: Come in.

[It's Taylor. She is wearing a light purple sleeveless T-shirt and black jean cut-off shorts. She has her hair partially tied into a pony tail. She smiles as she enters and shuts the door behind her.]

Taylor: Hi.

Trey: Hi.

Taylor: Whatcha doing?

Trey: I'm just about to do a little recap show here. Hey, maybe you can help me out. Some of these other scrubs in the EWS go around with interview people. Do you want to be the co-host of the sports entertainment recap show?

Taylor: Sure, what do I have to do?

Trey: Come sit here on the bed next to me and ask me about any questions. You see, I'm going to be taking a quick look at my opponent, and. (He pauses.) Another guy.

Taylor: Okay.

Trey: Just wing it.

Taylor: Okay.

[Taylor and Trey take a seat at the foot of the bed. The camera goes behind them so we can see the backs of their heads and the TV screen. It comes to life with the face of the Prototype. The sound is down so words are not clear. Trey begins fast forwarding.]

Trey: Okay, now right off the bat, this guy is already ripping of the Franchise Player. He's doing something called "Perfection TV." Well, you never asked the Sports Entertainment Icon if you could use my name for your 99-cent show. He also rips off Trey Vincent, saying how HE is going to be the television champion. But there can only be one TV champion, and that's me. When I am on TV, that is perfection. When Prototype is on TV, it is just plain embarrassing.

Taylor: What's with all the sluts he hangs with?

Trey: Oh, he's another one of these idiots who calls everyone gay and hangs out with $2 dollar whores just so he can prove he isn't gay. I hate guys like that. (He looks over at Taylor.) Aw hell.

Taylor: What?

Trey: Nothing. (He looks back at the screen and continues fast forwarding through Prototype's first promo. He then plays the tape and...)

******Prototype (on screen): ...Have you ever taken the time out of your useless, not going anywhere life watch your interviews. The name of this business is entertainment. You must be entertaining to get anywhere. That explains it all for you. Your lack of charisma and all out penis has made you one of the largest discraces I have ever seen. I feel like I've been lowered in society just because I know I'm going to have to beat your a$$ this Sunday Night."*******

Taylor: All out penis?

Trey: Excuse me? Oh, yeah, that makes no sense, I know. But once again, this man is named Prototype. Supposedly this man should be an example for others to follow. A shining example of what this sport has to offer, a person others should use as an example if they want to know what success is. Sad to say, that will never happen unless you follow Trey Vincent. This was the most ironic few sentences ever uttered in wrestling.

[Trey gets up and goes over to the desk. He pulls open a drawer and pulls out a piece of paper. He grabs a small marker and begins drawing. He comes back and sits back down beside Taylor, who looks at the piece of paper Trey has put on the bed. The camera goes down.]

Trey: What we have here is charisma chart. On the left side, see this little dot? That is the guy Prototype beat for this match. Beside that little dot is a small line. And then this line here, the third line, is Trey Vincent. As you can see, I am off the charts, while this guy is a little peon. You may be able to make fun of other losers charisma, but now you are meeting the most captivating man in sports entertainment to come into your home through the television screen. If I am 100 percent charisma, you are about 1.873 percent charisma, and my fans won't stand for that shabby impersonation of a sports entertainer.

Taylor: But Trey, this tape is old. Isn't there something more current? Doesn't he talk about you?

Trey: Sadly, no. You see, the European Title must mean everything to him. He is probably in denial.

Taylor: Why would he be in Egypt?

[Trey only stares at her. She laughs.]

Trey: Are you going to be a stand-up comedian after you retire from modeling?

Taylor: (She stops laughing and raises her eyebrows.) What?

Trey: (He smiles.) Man you are so easy.

[Trey rubs her lower back and then gets up. He tosses the tape of Prototype into his trash bag and grabs another tape.]

Trey: Some more of "Perfection TV."

****Prototype (on screen blabbing about some other scrub): "Don't you know false advertising is illegal in the US. You can't go around telling everyone that you are something that you aren't."******

Trey: I think he should change his name to Irony.

Taylor: So this guy goes around telling everyone he's a TV champion and that he is perfect and that he is entertaining. But in reality, he is just...pathetic. Because he is not you Trey, and he will never be you no matter how much he tries to rip you off.

Trey: That's right my darling.

[Trey gets up and pops the tape out. He tosses it in the garbage bag. He picks up another (and thankfully), the last tape of the transition champion. It is the Oval Office Uncle Sam promo.]

Trey: Oh good God. I think the VCR is about to commit suicide!

Taylor: Didn't Abe Lincoln say four score and seven years ago?

Trey: Piss on this!

[Trey gets up and angrily takes the tape out of the machine.]

Trey: Taylor, stay here for one second.

[Trey heads out of the room and hangs a right. The camera rushes out into the hallway and sees Trey head into the bathroom. He leaves the door open and the camera goes inside. The tape is tossed into a toilet with a plop. The camera gets behind Trey and we hear a zipper opening.]

Trey: This is horrible. This is at such a disgustingly bad level, even this act will not make me feel better.

[The sound of Trey's urine hitting the water begins in full force.]

Trey: Prototype, you are completely horrible. To even call you a champion is a travesty. A tragedy. I wish I could be pissing on your boring head and filling your mouth so full of the Franchise Player's urine that you couldn't say anything but (he begins gurgling out words as if his mouth is full of, water?). I want to drill a hole large enough in the bottom of my toilet so I can flush your whole boring ass into the sewer so you will never darken my TV set again. Prototype, because you have bored me so horribly, I am going to give you a prototype ass whooping the likes of which you have never felt before. My complete arsenal of sports entertainment moves will be unleashed upon your lame ass until you bow down and admit that I am the Franchise Player, that I am the Sports Entertainment icon, and that I am the only champion in this company worth a damn.

[Trey has finished his business and goes to flush the toilet, but then pauses as if contemplating what might happen if the tape jams up the toilet. Or would it go down? And if it doesn't, who is going to have to get it out of there? He makes some sort of eh screw it noise, zips up and heads back to the toilet. He passes by one of the near 7-foot tall men.]

Trey: Hey shorty, Taylor wanted you to flush a tape out of the toilet.

Man: How did she get a tape in the toilet?

Trey: Beats me.

[Trey walks back to his room and shuts the door on the camera, which crashes into the door. Trey comes back to the door and looks at the camera. He smiles sarcastically and heads back inside without saying a word. He rejoins Taylor on the bed and puts an arm around her. He then quickly gets up and pops in another tape.]

Trey: After careful consideration, I think it's fair that I don't get paid. Just being lucky enough to be next to this body is payment enough.

Taylor: Oh shut up (she says shyly).

Trey: On screen, we now see Endurance. Ten of the twelve men Trey Vincent single-handledly defeated last Sunday night. The other two guys? Irrelevant. They were only curtain jerkers. But I had both of their interviews put onto one tape. Let's see what they had to say about me.

Taylor: What do you mean 10 of the 12 guys? Isn't he one guy?

Trey: How the hell should I know? Before that match, I promised to go out there and beat every single personality Endurance had in his head. The kid. The mean one. The mommy. The daddy. The pet dog. The insane guy. The hot 60-year-old mailman who likes to wear black socks and shorts. The second grade school teacher who kept Endurance after school and made him write 'We Will Not Intentionally Vomit On Any Girl Ever Again, No Matter How Much We Like Her' 100 times. The uncle who had cancer and smoked in his blowhole. And the priest who taught a young Endurance the true way to find God is to pull down your pants, bend over and then play a little game called defrosting the rod for about two minutes. And when that rod defrosted, it was quite a mess.

[Taylor is laughing hysterically. She has tipped over on the bed and is nearly in tears.]

******Endurance: If you didnt notice WE raised Trey Vincents hand after his victory! We were the one that helped ensure his victory, you see Trey Vincent and I formed our on special alliance and I decided to help him win that match..........
........We helped our friend and new partner Trey Vincent wins the match...Trey Vincent is the upcoming star of the EWS and future European Champion and World Champion. Someday hopefully Tag Champion with us!********

[Trey turns around and stares at the camera. Taylor then does the same, but looks more at Trey then the camera. Anytime Trey looks at her, she turns toward the camera, otherwise she stares at him.]

Trey: Endurance, let me make one thing perfectly clear to ALL of you. Even if you hadn't raised the Franchise Player's hand, he still would have gotten his hand raised. Trey Vincent does not need any help in the ring. Oh no. The only reason I didn't turn around and hit you with Coming Down was because I feel sorry for you. You see, unlike those other two no-talent scrubs, Trey Vincent reluctantly admits you have, some, talent. Those other two people? They will never be anything in this business. So I say this to you Endurance. You want to prove yourself to me? Get extreme. Go win the Extreme Title from that Sly guy and show him what extreme really means. It's a joke that he has two titles, while Trey Vincent has none! The Franchise Player could win every title in this company.

Trey: They also mention the word alliance, friend and partner. He talks about me glowingly, and I appreciate it, don't get me wrong. It gives me more airtime and allows more people to learn about the greatness that is me. Hell, I think everybody in EWS should talk about me in every single promo because, let's face it, I am the real deal and I deserve to hear everyone praise how great I am. Because, let's face it, I am.

Taylor: You are, can't argue with you there.

Trey: Just saying my name puts you in the company of greatness. And god knows all the losers in this company need some sort of company other than misery. All the boys can live vicariously through me since they will all fail. Maybe it'll be easier on you all when you lose if you just pretend you're me. Hell, half the roster is doing it already! I am the upcoming star. Hell, I'm the Franchise Player. The name says it all. As far as being tag champs? Why the hell would I want to be tag champs with you Endurance? Until you prove to me that you would be worthy partners to me, well, you can keep dreaming about riding Trey Vincent's coat tails to a title victory.

[A digitized classical tune begins to play. Trey answers his cell phone.]

Trey: Talk to me....Duh Scrub has just been dissing the Franchise Player? You don't say. Did you happen to tape it? Yeah, good point, who would waste tape on Duh Scrub. I still don't understand how he got a title shot in his first match? What's that? Oh, he's an annoying little moaning, complaining, beyotch. I see. So what did he say? He thought he had a handicap match against me and Prototype? Is this guy retarded? Doesn't he understand that this Sunday Trey Vincent is going to beat Prototype so bad that he'll have to go hide in deepest darkest Africa where they don't have TV so nobody will mock him for his poor sports entertainment performances? OK, so he's a complete bush leaguer. What else.

Taylor: Are you talking about that idiot whigger?

Trey: (To Taylor) Yeah. He said what? Well, at least he's got that straight. I most definitely am the European Champion. Prototype is a lame duck champion. Though, technically, he is still the champion until I pin him Sunday. He says I have no mic skills? This guy can't even talk English! Sup yo? I'm retarded. I can't not speak. Trey Vincent deserves gold. He deserves to be swimming in gold. While you, Duh Scrub, deserve to be swimming in a different kind of gold. You should be swimming where Prototype's tape is. In my urine. He said he's going to hit me with a bat? How can he hit me with a bat? If he was standing on a pier right along the Atlantic Ocean and jumped, he'd miss the ocean.

Trey: He's WHAT? Dear god, he's from Minneapolis? What the hell? Thank God I moved out of that hellhole to this little slice of heaven with my favorite angel, Taylor.

Taylor: Do you have any of his old promos in your trash?

Trey: Duh Scrub? No. Well, maybe, but if I wanted to watch a white boy try to act black, we could just turn on MTV.

Taylor: True.

Trey: Anything else (he asks the person on the phone). Well, I'll deal with the rest of him when the time is right. And that ain't now. I ain't gonna bust no mo' caps on his ass. Speak English you stupid ass poser!

Taylor: Well, there's no doubt you will win Sunday and defend against Duh Scrub.

Trey: So, what do you think of my job?

Taylor: I think you should give it up. It's silly. Everyone's trying to act like the Franchise Player and failing miserably.

Trey: You see? This is why I came to the EWS. I came here because all of these jackasses claim to be entertaining, but they have yet to BE entertaining themselves. This is why the EWS is a hardcore league. Because nobody here has any talent to entertain outside of the ring like myself. Just like Prototype. He makes claims but can't live up to them. Only Trey Vincent is as entertaining inside of the ring as he is outside of it, if not more so. People live to hear me speak the truth. People thank god the television was invented when they see me on their screens. Because it means little pieces of trash like Prototype and Duh Scrub are NOT on their screen. And even if they happen to pass by the no-talent pretenders, people switch the channel, bored out of their skulls. I equal ratings. They equal worn out remote controls, dead batteries and broken TV sets. That's why Trey Vincent is the Franchise Player. And nobody else will ever be.

Trey: Now, I don't have a big closer for you viewers, sad to say. So instead, I'll leave you with a cliffhanger.

[Trey stands up and stands in front of Taylor. He takes her by the hand and pulls her to her feet.]

Taylor: What?

Trey: I know who is stalking you.

Static.

NEXT CHAPTER: The Gay One Visits the Zoo (Or: Another Two-Hour Rant Dedicated to Studs) >>

©2001 John Leary