A Night At The Zipper

[We open at some sort of a bar. At the end of the bar is the Extreme Wrestling Scene's franchise player and everyone's favorite sports entertainer, Trey Vincent. He is staring down at a half empty beer mug. The bar is full. All men. Men talking to each other. There is a guy behind the bar without a shirt. Very muscular. Very bald. He is whistling happily as he mixes drinks. In the background we can hear some sort of dance music being played. The camera comes in closer to get a close up the most eligible bachelor in sports entertainment today. Trey looks at the camera and downs the rest of the beer.]

Trey: Hey Bruce (he shouts to the bartender). How 'bout another one big guy?

Bartender: Sure thing sugar.

Trey: (He looks at the camera and almost loses control of his laughter at the bartender's use of the word 'sugar.') You know, I was content to go into my debut match this weekend and let Endurance off the hook. But then I wondered, why should I? I've obviously pissed them off, so let's clear up a few things. First of all, as for Crush and that Tokyo guy Yakushi.

Man's voice: God bless you.

Trey: Thank you. Right now, you may be wondering, why if we're at a bar, where are all the chicks? Simple answer. Tonight, we are at a gay bar. Yes, that's right, you heard me right, I'm at a gay bar. Why? I'll get to that in a bit. But now let's address the things that skinny little bastard said about me.

[Trey reaches under his hat and pulls out a piece of paper. Before he starts reading, the bartender gives Trey another beer. Trey tosses the bald man a few bucks and he goes away.]

Trey: Let's start from the start. First of all, he has concluded that I am a 'homosexual.' Now that I'm at a gay bar, you'd think that that would be all the proof you need, right? Well, let's examine the facts. First of all, Endurance, it's funny that you go throwing out accusations that I'm gay. You can say whatever you want about me. But for a guy who's idea of an orgy is switching personalities every couple of seconds while you play with, whatever it is you claim to have between your legs. But you know what truly worries me about that thought? None of the other voices in your head are women. But there is a little kid in there. That truly disturbs me.

Trey: It bothers me that you have to resort to calling me a homosexual. Again, how boring are you? Someone insults you, and you respond with a childish reply of you're gay. The fact of the matter is that I am in a gay bar tonight because I am man enough to be around a bunch of gays and not get all freaked out about it. Now, if you get all freaked out about gays, there are some guys in the EWS lockerroom you might really want to avoid. Such as.

Dennis (voice, the cameraman): Uh Trey?

Trey: Yes Dennis.

Dennis: Don't go there.

Trey: Fair enough. Anyway, listen. We are in a sport where sweaty guys sports entertain each other in skimpy clothing. Guys continually grab each other's crotches to perform sports entertainment moves. Tell me you've never grabbed an opponents crotch in a wrestling match, and I know you're a liar. And what about moves such as, oh, I don't know, the piledriver. Where you put a guy's head in between your legs. And how about, umm, the full nelson, where you wrap a guy's arms up behind his head and the only thing separating your crotch and his ass are a thin layer of clothing. Hey, aren't those a couple of your favorite moves? And Endurance, we are in a sport where people constantly talk about each other's asses, be it kicking, beating or sticking various body parts or objects up it.

[Trey picks up the beer and takes a long gulp.]

Trey: But I could go on and on. Let's see what else you talked about. You mentioned that the script the doctor read from was fake. (He laughs.) Man, is your last name Sherlock? It's not hard to make a mockery of you. You're doing just fine without me. As for the Commish, as opposed to this Comish, whatever the hell you meant, well, he is a very smart man. After all, he hired me and he told you what a complete jackass you are. What a great guy he is.

Trey: So then again, he goes after my name. He again says I'm gay about TVs. Actually, now I'm not 'gay about TVs.' The simple truth is this. With a face like this, with charisma like this, I was born a superstar, live like a superstar and will die like a superstar while you were probably born in a toilet, live like a piece of crap and will die in a pile of your own feces. Trey Vincent is EWS's franchise player. You have no right to talk about everyone's favorite sports entertainer like you have. And if you keep it up, I'm gonna perform sports entertainment move after sports entertainment move until you bow down to the icon and the real deal and admit that you are just another pretender.

[Trey takes another sip from his beer. From behind, a man in a black sleeveless shirt walks up to Trey.]

Man: Pardon me, is your seat taken?

Trey: (He looks up, eyebrows raised. The man's face is out of camera range and the camera stays right on Trey.) Keep walking dude.

[The man walks off camera.]

Trey: Anyway. Without TV, what would you be doing right now, Endurance? Television delivers my greatness into every home in the country. Yeah, there are downsides, such as you being there with me, but I take the good with the bad. Just think, if TV were never invented, what would you be doing for work right now? Hmm? Where did you watch all the wrestling shows that made you want to become a wrestler? Hmmm? Now I have the ability to be everyone's role model and get them to live the Trey Vincent way. You see, there are only two roads in this life. There's my way. And the wrong way. And if any fan is out there booing me, they're booing the wrong man. I am what every fan out there can never be, a winner. Charismatic. Wanted by every girl in the world. I'm talented and hot. Your personalities take turns molesting each other. What kind of fun is that? Through me, every fan can live vicariously through me so their failed lives don't seem so bad. You? They look at you and think, 'Gee, my life ain't that bad after all.' You decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The guy who created televison must have known that one day a man named TV would one day rule TV, and be everyone's TV champion, regardless if he has a belt or not.

[Trey waves the bartender down and asks for something, but we can't make it out clearly. He leaves and Trey continues his rant.]

Trey: One other thing. That doctor was as fake as your other personalities. Take that for what it's worth. Did he say that you suck? Sure he did. But you know who else will say you suck right to your face? Me. Endurance, you suck. You bore me to tears. You are not a sports entertainer. You are a bush league hardcore nobody.

[The bartender returns with a bottle of vodka.]

Trey: That's the stuff.

[Trey downs the rest of his beer and then begins pouring the vodka into his beer mug until it is full. He stares at the vodka for a few seconds before looking back at the camera.]

Trey: Oh yes, it's very impressive how you bullied that Fred guy around. When I saw that, it made we want to boo you. So here we go. Booooo! I can't believe I had to borrow someone's VCR to see that. (He looks down at his paper.) He chastises me for using big words. Maybe if you had made it to even sixth grade you could have the grammar of, hmm, just about any normal human being walking this planet. It's funny, you talk about dictionaries and the word ain't. Well, why don't you actually do yourself a favor and read the rest of that book, maybe you'll learn something.

Trey: Now, nobody, but Trey Vincent, has called Trey Vincent the EWS franchise player. Get that through your retarded head first off all. As for popularity, the only way you would be voted most popular is if everyone on the planet died and half of the voices in your head voted for the same personality. You want me to prove it in the ring? I will. I'm gonna give you the sports entertainment lesson of a lifetime. You can bet on it. I'll take on every personality and pin all of them in a gauntlet match if I have to. And I'll beat those other two nobodies just for kicks, Crush and Yokashi.

Man's voice: Bless you.

Trey: Thank you. He then begins to talk about his mommy. Well let's talk about Endurance's mommy. Endurance's mommy was like a screen door. She got banged a lot. You know how you were conceived? You want to know? Your daddy was poor and needed some money. But he had a brilliant idea. The only one of his miserable life. One night, he drugged your mommy, stripped her and then invited over a bunch of his buddies, neighbors, drunk college kids, horny teenage virgins, her grandfather, his grandfather, his cousins, her cousins, his brother, her brothers, her uncles, his uncles, the police force, the firefighters, elected city officials, restaurant owners, the Irish mob, the Bruins, Celtics, Patriots and Red Sox. He showed everyone his wife's naked ass and then sold raffle tickets. He called the game one buck for a f***. The guy sold tons of tickets, made all the money he needed and his wife never knew who was the father of the bastard that popped out from between her legs nine months later. You know how I know? My dad was there filming the whole thing. You want to see the tape? So do I. I need to get back in the ring so I can buy my own place and my own home entertainment system so I can see Endurance's mom get humped by, well, I really shouldn't reveal who your real father is, now should I?

[Trey picks up the vodka mug and takes a long gulp. He puts the glass down and smiles wickedly at the camera.]

Trey: Is this personal enough yet, Endurance? Oh wait, I ain't done yet. I bet your pissed right now. Very pissed. Good. I hope so. Even if you're not, I don't care. Because the fact is that I am better than you and Crush and Yokashi.

Man's voice: Bless you.

Trey: You take that back!

Man's voice: Excuse me?

Trey: That's better! So you're the meanest? Why, because you call me gay? (He makes a fart noise with his lips.) What EVER! You know, I'm sorry to hear you worked at a supermarket. But you know, those doors at the supermarkets? They're a lot like your mommy's legs! Anytime anyone came near her, she opened up automatically! As for talent? (He makes a fart noise with his lips.) What EVER! As for Melanie. Well, you go ahead and write to the store. Just pretend I'm one of your personalities if you think you can figure out what is like to be everyone's favorite sports entertainer. An icon. The real deal. (He makes a fart noise with his lips.) What EVER!

[Trey downs the rest of the vodka and he puts his mug down with a loud thud. His tongue is hanging out just over his lips.]

Trey: Hey, where are the girls? Did I end up in a gay bar? (He looks at the camera.) Oh yeah. I did. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. What's wrong with giving a girl the thrill of her life? 17? Getting the chance to bang the ever loving hell out of the most amazing sports entertainer on the planet? Forget the whole legal thing anyway. She was flat as a board, not good enough for the franchise player. I didn't want her. She ran away because I wanted her to run away. If I wanted to, I would have brought into the bathroom and shown her what kind of endurance I have. And hey, if you want to write to my doctor or my parents, I'll gladly give you the graveyard the good doctor is in. As for my parents? (He makes a fart noise with his lips.) What EVER! They may not be dead, or maybe they are, who knows. Their address is 3 Suck My Nuts Ave. in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I've fought tougher blizzards than you. You think you scare me? I'm from Minnesota! Or motto is: Are we in Canada? Why the hell is it so cold here?

[Trey fills up the mug with vodka and stares at it. He then looks back at the camera.]

Trey: You think I'm drinking cuz I'm scared? I drink because I'm part Irish. It's heredity. I'm barely even buzzing right now. My blood is part alcohol to start with.

[He looks down at his paper and squints and moves the paper away from his face and then closer trying to read.]

Trey: Oh, as your orders, I will now call you names. Skinny! Ha! Take that! As for those questions, do I have stamina, strength, power and endurance? Yes. Yes I do. And you'll see it this Sunday if you have the balls to show up. You mommy knew a lot about balls. Her face was a lot like a tennis racket from what I hear.

Trey: Names don't make wrestlers, Underoos. Promos make wrestlers. Promoters make wrestlers. Wrestlers make wrestlers. Do you know what Trey means Underoos? It means three. Three is the most important number in sports entertainment? Why? Because three means victory. Thus, my first name means victory. As for the name Vincent? Well, besides the fact that it is the name of the king of sports entertainment, the name itself means conqueror or victor. Again, it means, winner. What does Underoos mean? It means to withstand hardship or stress, to perservere or continuing existence or duration. While my name is all about winning, your name is all about existing and suffering. Very fitting, is it not? Because this Sunday, I will make your existence nothing but suffering, you and Crush and Yokashi.

Man's voice: God bless you.

Trey: You stay out of this! Hmm. Why is my shopping list on here? Hmm. Well, I have to go to the supermarket to go buy some bananas, lettuce, potatoes and a watermelon. Oh yeah, one last thing or two before I go shopping. Have I gotten on your nerves? I hope so. I don't know you, but I already hate you. Because this is my first match here and you're a silly little obstacle I've got to destroy to become what I should already be, a main eventer. And if you don't believe me, just ask Trey Vincent. He'll tell you all about how great the franchise player is.

[Trey takes a long sip from his mug o' vodka.]

Trey: The end of your promo disturbed me. You claim that your 'peepee' fell out, yet, nobody I've talked to said they could see it. And I've asked everyone in here. They were very disappointed in your shortcomings. But that's irrelevant. *Cough*nodick*Cough* What? Don't hunt the hunter. I'm just toying with you. This is my game. This is my world. This is your 15 minutes of fame. I hope you enjoy it, because after Sunday, your life will never be the same.

[Trey pauses and burps loudly.]

Trey: We've said it once before, but Underoos, Slush, Sushi, ask yourself this, and only this.

[Trey pauses for a moment and burps again.]

Trey: Do you have any charisma? Do you have a sports entertainment bone in your body? Are you an icon, the real deal, a future main eventer? Are you a franchise player? No? Then you're not Trey Vincent. And I need to get laid. (He pauses and looks around nervously.) I mean, I need a chick to bang the ever loving hell out of.

[Trey stands up and scratches his crotch. We fade out on that image.]

NEXT CHAPTER: The Winner and New European Champion... >>

©2001 John Leary