Supermarket Death Match

[We open in a supermarket. The Extreme Wrestling Scene's franchise player is in the fruit and vegetable aisle. Your new role model, your favorite sports entertainer who will raise EWS from its pathetic hardcore league status, future main eventer. The icon, the real deal, Trey Vincent.]

Trey: Fellow sports entertainment fans, your fearless leader is going to innovate as nobody has ever before. Here I am in a supermarket to prove a point to all you great hardcore sports entertainment fans in the EWS just why I will win this Sunday against those three other people. Dennis? What are there names?

Dennis (the cameraman, his voice speaks): Your opposition will be. Endurance. He is 6-4, 220 pounds.

Trey: Skinny little bastard. Bored of him already. Dealt with him already.

[Trey looks up and down the aisle and we begin moving. We pass by cucumbers, lettuce, grapes, apples, oranges, peaches, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, and then stop at the bananas. Trey picks up a bundle and rips off a long, skinny banana and tells Dennis to continue the tale of the tape.]

Dennis: Yokashi. 5-10, 255 pounds. From Tokyo.

Trey: Here's a guy who won a bunch of titles in another fed. Who cares? I never heard of the fed he claims he won in. By the way, maybe now I should tell you about all the titles I've won in other feds. I am a former 3-time world Ultimate Death Kickboxing Champion. Former 20-time Mud Wrestling Federation Champion. I am also the undefeated Ultimate Voodoo Sports Entertainment Champion. I also won the Psychic Friends Death Match Championship four times. They never saw it coming! So if I won that many titles, well hell, I'll breeze by this overweight little bastard in no time.

[Trey picks up a potato and tells Dennis to continue the tale of the tape.]

Dennis: Crush 5-6, 230 pounds. From Glasgow, Scotland and North Carolina.

Trey: Crush. The thing that pissed me off about this guy is his name. (He laughs.) Oh no, I'm falling into Endurance territory. But all I'll say is this. I have placed a called to a certain sports entertainment company in Stamford, Connecticut, and they are not to pleased to learn that a name they have the legal trademark to is being used here without permission. How dare you steal the name of one of the greatest sports entertainers of all-time, former Demolition alternate and Disciple of Apocalypse standout Crush! You bastard! Brian Adams needs to know about this.

[Trey has gone back to the lettuce and picked up a head.]

Trey: Then there is Trey Vincent. 6-4, 260 pounds. (He looks around the area.) Ah-ha. (He heads toward the end of the aisle. He stoops down and picks up a watermelon.) Hmm. Well, I don't have any cash on me right now, so we're gonna play a game in the store. Walk with me.

[Trey walks to the end of the aisle and hangs a left. We walks past multiple aisles of various food on the left. The cookie aisle. Canned goods aisle. Meat and deli section on the right. Cereal. Soda. And then we arrive at the paper goods aisle. They head left and stop about halfway up the aisle near some paper towels.]

Trey: I always think of the poor little 16 year olds. At least I break stuff where it can be cleaned up. All the paper towels are right around us. So, now, just to review. This banana represents Endurance. The potato represents Yokashi and the lettuce represents Crush. And Trey Vincent is the watermelon. Man, nobody can cut a sports entertainment promo like Trey Vincent. You all should bow down and worship your television screen right now. Isn't technology great? I am your favorite superstar, aren't I? C'mon, admit it. Those other guys just yammer on and on hurling threats. I'm gonna make a demonstration anybody can understand.

[Trey picks up the banana and hits the watermelon with it. No effect. Trey then picks up the potato and hits the watermelon with it. No effect. Trey picks up the lettuce and hits the watermelon with it. No effect. Trey then puts the banana, potato and lettuce on the floor. He picks up the watermelon. Trey smashes the watermelon onto the banana. Trey looks up at the camera and demands a close up. As he lifts up the watermelon, we see a squished banana, spread on the floor like roadkill. The potato is the next victim of the the watermelon with similar roadkill-like results. And the last victim is the lettuce. The lettuce fairs a little better but has become flat as a pancake.]

Trey: Ok, all you people watching. This is symbolism. I am as strong as a watermelon, the indestructible force of the veggie aisle. But sad to say, this watermelon could not main event a sports entertainment broadcast. It doesn't have my charisma. My amazing presence. Come to think of it, other than the fact that it kicked these other vegetables and fruits asses, the watermelon sucks. So.

[Trey stands up and jumps on the watermelon and kicks it until the watermelon is a, fruity mess? Seeds and red parts litter the white tiled supermarket floor.]

Trey: My opponents are future ring-kill victims, but it ain't gonna be as swift and painless as a crushing weight coming down on you three. I'll leave you all splattered and crushed in the end, just like this, no doubt, but maybe I'll take my time. All the Trey Vincent fans must get their fill of the man in this business. I make people suffer and the ratings go up. It's a win-win situation for everybody, except my victims. Too bad. All hail the franchise player. The most charismatic hardcore sports entertainer on the planet.

Girl's voice: What are you doing?

[Trey turns around to see a girl, probably 16 or 17, wearing a dark blue T-shirt and white pants. She is about 5-7 and has a decent enough body for a girl at her age. Long brown hair. Pale skin. Cute, but she doesn't resemble anyone famous. Her arms and hands are outstreched in a questioning position. She has a name tag. Melanie.]

Trey: Hey darling. How are you doing?

Melanie: I'm gonna call security.

Trey: Wait, wait, wait. I have a question for you. How old are you?

Melanie: 17.

Trey: You ever dated an older man, Melanie?

Melanie: Creep! (She runs away. We hear her shout for the manager.)

Trey: Fantastic. Now, let's go. Hope you got your running shoes on Dennis.

[The camera looks down at his feet.]

Dennis: Yep. Got my Nikes.

Trey: (Looking calmly at the camera.) Run, Dennis. Run.

Static.

NEXT CHAPTER: A Night At The Zipper >>

©2001 John Leary