Extreme wrestling must die

Minneapolis Today column

By Trey Vincent
Sports Entertainment Superstar

No, I don't have writer's block. I just figured as a bit of a change I'd answer some emails that have been sent to me. People have questions. They can't all be dumb.

Before we go to the email, I should push my big match I will be in this Sunday against Danny Richards.

This guy tries to be arrogant and self-centered, but he is no Trey Vincent. I am the king of self-promotion.

You may be a top prospect, but Sunday you're stepping into the ring with the Franchise Player, the man who has carried EWS through the good and bad times and been the one source of consistent greatness. The man who all fans look to and say, "Save our boring lives, sports entertain for us." And I do.

As for liking to talk trash, you damn right I talk trash. You know why I talk trash? It makes people react to you. It's called entertainment.

Let's face it, if you were wrestling Hurley, Da Thug or Rick Storm in your first match, do you even have a clue how many "boring" chants there would be?

But it's fine if you want to keep this all about business. It's done wonders for the careers of guys like Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit. They may be great wrestlers, but they sure as hell aren't great sports entertainers.

As for not thinking about you, why should I? When you're as good as Trey Vincent, you don't have prepare to be good. You just are.

You are a nobody. I am a champion. You're a prospect, I'm a proven winner.

And why would playing basketball prepare you for our match any more than me getting a TV deal? Hmmm. Think about it. I'm glad you are a good wrestler and all, but that will just further show after this Sunday that a good wrestler is no match for the sports entertainment icon.

Now that business is out of the way, let's see what all the Trey Vincent fans have to say to me.

Email 1: "Yo Trey. Even after whooping his ass, Prototype has continued to talk trash about you. Why in the hell don't you do us all a favor and get rid of him once and for all?"

Answer: Well, Prototype is a loser. Plain and simple. Imagine if you went to a Limp Bizkit concert and they only played "Rollin'" over and over again. For 90 minutes, over and over, we hear the same song over and over and over.

Think you'd get a little bored and start booing after the fifth rendition? Well, that's what is happening to the Prototype right now. He does the same thing each time and it's less and less watchable every time.

But you know what really irks me? After this Sunday, this no-talent piece of trash who I beat for my European Title will have sports entertained against two main eventers. And no doubt lost to both of them. Every sports entertainment fan Trey Vincent brought to "Bedlam" no doubt quickly left once the Prototype showed his face.

Email 2: "Hey B!^*%, why don't you fight Da Thug! He owns your @$$."

Answer: Yes, Trey has heard the threats from Da Thug. The only time Da Thug had anything to say was when he responded to all my threats and just reworded them to make them look like his own. Look at him now, if you're that desperate for something to watch.

Email 3: "Where did you find Johnny McShane?"

Answer: Poor Johnny. He took a little beating from that Striker fellow who I cleanly defeated this past Sunday. Shawn, you really must stop taking your frustrations about failing out on poor innocent referees. Referees are supposed to be revered. And none have any more class than Johnny McShane.

But, Johnny comes to the EWS from Beverly Hills, Calif., originally. It is on the mean streets of Beverly Hills where he learned how to survive in the drug infested slums where drive-bys happened every night. Disgusted by the blatant disgust of the police by angry gang members, Johnny vowed to one day stand up for the men who try to do the right thing.

Johnny, my man, that day has finally arrived. You are a hero to all Trey Vincent fans. Because finally, sports entertainment will take over this hardcore federation. You and I will convert the blind into believers. That sports entertainment is the only kind of entertainment worth watching.

Email 4: "Why do you need to rely on rules and regulations? This is the EWS. We want blood!"

Answer: You are an idiot. You want blood? Go put your face through a window. See how you like it. Climb up on your roof and jump down and tell me how it feels when you land, assuming you can still talk. Set up a ladder beside your dining room table, put your little brother on it, and jump onto him and see how the both of you are doing.

You know where you'll end up? Calling 911 and taking a ride to the hospital to get stitches, to get X-rays, to get the splinters pulled out of your ass, and if you're really lucky, surgery to fix the bones you've broken or the internal organs that have failed or been punctured and are now filling with blood.

Bottom line: extreme wrestling is CRAP. That is why television ratings are so low. It's not about entertainment, it's about horrible acts being performed on human beings.

Cuts, bruises, breaks, blinding pain, concussions, limps, trips to hospitals, rehab, oh yeah, it's a real party in the EWS. Only the sickest people in the world watch this. Normal people can't stomach the crap we put on the air.

The only spike in the ratings you get is when Trey Vincent makes an appearance.

I'm here to help you people. To show you there is a better way.

We need:

• Less violence.
  
  
• Short matches that all end in some sort of screw job to further an angle and sell a pay-per-view ad nauseum.
  
  
• Tons of obscure sexual references. Like grilled cheese sandwiches. Haw haw haw. Get it?
  
  
• More long, meaningless interviews where the heels talk about how bad the local sports teams suck and the faces talk about how good the local sports teams are to get cheap heat.
  
  
• More smack talking, less smacking.
  
  
• The head booker to come out show after show and blabber on and on, set up the night's matches, perhaps feud with the top champion and monopolize our time. And so there is someone to call an @$$hole.
  
  
• More sports entertainers.

When will you people see the light? Tune in Trey Vincent, tune out EWS. I demand all the Trey Vincent fans bombard the EWS with emails, letters, faxes and computer viruses, whatever it takes for them to realize this company should evolve.

I am the Franchise Player. Build the company around ME. ME ME ME!!!

The Sports Entertainment Scene. Has a nice ring, doesn't it?

The European division is step one on my crusade to complete federation domination.

Later.

Editor's note: Minneapolis native Trey Vincent is a sports entertainment superstar with the Extreme Wrestling Scene and can be seen weekly on their Sunday night show "Bedlam." He is also a private investigator. The opinions expressed in this column are those only of Trey Vincent and not this paper. His column will appear here weekly. Email Trey Vincent at: booker_j_2000@hotmail.com.

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©2001 John Leary