Are You "Entertaining Enough"?

[We open at an EWS training facility at some undisclosed location. It looks like any regular school gymnasium, perhaps a little darker and dirtier. Large cement blocks are painted blue. Various posters of EWS stars hang on the walls. Korruption. Steve Studnuts. James Nethery. The Nightmare. Freak Daddy. Sly Malone. Trey Vincent. There are more, but we stop on Trey's poster. Why? Because he's so damn good looking.

Anyway, what else have we got here? The camera swings around to reveal a wrestling ring like any one you'd see on an EWS show. It is empty. The ring is surrounded by mats. And this being EWS, tables and chairs and assorted weapons and debris are scattered around the ring. In one section of the facility, there is a large pile of chairs knocked over, as if someone were used as a human bowling ball at some point and the chairs were pins.

Then there is a metallic snap, as if a metal door has been opened. Strangely enough, one has. We discover at the far end of the building, a door has opened. In walk six men and two women. The door closes with a bang. As if they are trained monkeys, they head inside to some steel folding chairs and take a seat, dropping baggage at their feet. They sit silent and stare at the ring as if in a state of meditation or deep concentration. Or, perhaps, constipation? Aren't they too young for that?

But, the kids just sit there. At the door where they all entered comes another metallic snap. Someone has entered the facility, but nobody turns around to see who it is. But we can clearly see who it is. The EWS European Champion, the sports entertainment icon, the Franchise Player, Trey Vincent. As the door closes with a bang behind him, he flips light switches, turning off all the lights except for those on the ring, leaving the group in darkness. We see his figure slowly walk toward the group of people. Without saying a word, he gets into the ring and then stares down at the group. The title belt, which had been over his shoulder, now is held in his right hand. He drapes the belt over the top rope and continues to look down on the group.]

Trey: You know what I see when I look at you guys? Nothing. Just useless human figures sitting in seats like the morons who fill every arena we go to. Now I'm sure one of you is saying to yourself, I'm not a nothing. Don't lie to yourself. At this point in your life, you are nothing. You live in the shadows of existence. You are a nobody. People don't know your name when you walk down the street. You are just another face.

Trey: The only difference I see is a couple of you are chicks. You are a little more than nothing. The two of you look pretty cute. But still, nobody knows you. When people walk down the street and see you, they'd say to themselves, 'damn, I'd bang her so hard her head would go through my wall.' Then they keep walking. So the guys are nothing. The chicks are just pieces of ass.

Trey: Welcome to sports entertainment. Now, I know all of you have names, but I don't care what they are. Because unless you're on television, nobody cares what your name is. Unless youre in the show, you are nobody. Unless every TV screen in America can make you larger than life, you are smaller than life. Insignificant. Nothing. Get it?

[The group weakly makes some sort of moaning noise, perhaps agreement, perhaps shut the f*** up, who's to say.]

Trey: Now, if any of you really want to be anybody in my world, in sports entertainment, none of the crap you do in this ring will matter. You can be the greatest wrestler of all time, but you will never matter to one person who buys a ticket to the show unless you make them care about you. You have to make them despise you or love you. You have to make people jump out of their seats and scream or wish for your death. You have to be able to make them laugh or smile. You have to make them give you the finger. Call you an ass****. To do that, you must be a complete sports entertainer.

Trey: Now, up until now, you've had training. Your trainers have been relieved for the day. They are paid to give you wrestling basics. To teach you how to not look like a jackass in this sports entertainment ring. What they have asked me to do today, since I am the best at it, is to talk to you about, talking. Talking smack about your opponents. Making fans react to your words. You see, in this business, words have just as much impact as a powerbomb, a suplex or a clothesline. You have to make the fans want to see you and another guy fight for a reason, not just because you're two skilled athletes. My God, if any one of you tried to put on a pure wrestling match in 2001, you will hear BOOOORRRRRRINNNNNG. BOOOOOORRRRRRRRRINNNNNNG.

Trey: Nobody wants to see arm bars. Headlocks. Chinlocks. Sleeper holds? Come on, that stuff should have gone out in the '80s. People want their action fast, they want it exciting and they want it to mean something. Let's take this week's "Bedlam" for example. Hey Girl 1. What match are you most looking forward to (he says pointing at one of them.)

Girl 1: The SnowDome match.

[Trey asks the rest of them what match they want. All the guys agree with Girl 1. He then asks Girl 2.]

Girl 2: Your match, of course.

Trey: (He smiles.) OK, Girl 2, come up into this ring.

[She gets up and slides into the ring under the bottom rope. She is a brunette, probably about 5-8. Not really well-built but she looks athletic enough. Nice set of breasts. She is wearing black sweat pants and a white Trey Vincent T.V.P.I. T-shirt.]

Trey: Hmm. That was rather unlady-like.

Girl 2: What?

Trey: How you got in the ring. Most women in sports entertainment step under the second rope so we can look up their dress.

[There is some laughter from the guys.]

Trey: But, you're not wearing a dress, which is also unlady-like. But that's OK. We can deal with your clothes later. It is obvious to Trey Vincent that you are the smartest of the group here. But your answers do bring up a psychological point. I'm guessing you guys saw the pay-per-view?

[They say yes or variations of it.]

Trey: So now everyone wants to see Nethery and the Commish go at it. Why? Because they apparently hate each other. There is some major heat between the two. They want to hurt each other. As just a regular fan, you get caught up in the plots. Betrayal and revenge are key in this one. That's why you care. Because there is a story. But why did you pick my match (he asks the girl).

Girl 2: Because you're a hottie (she says smiling). Because you are the most outrageous sports entertainer I've ever seen. I love you Trey.

Trey: OK, perhaps you guys out there have heard the term 'mark' before? Well, she is a Trey Vincent mark. She worships me. She loves me. I can do no wrong in her eyes. And you know what? Idiots like her will make you or break you. Sad to think about, isn't it? You need to connect with the masses on some scale so they live to hear you speak and live to see you perform. Now honey, why do you love me?

Girl 2: It's just...you are so cool. You're so funny the way you b###hslap around your opponents verbally. I love your interviews. You are just amazing. In every way.

Trey: Well, you are a very smart girl, I'll give you that much. Now, tell me, what do you think about that Shawn Striker guy I have to face?

Girl 2: Who?

Trey: Shawn Striker. You do, watch the EWS, don't you?

Girl 2: Yeah. But some of the guys in the fed are sooooo boring. It's hard to figure out who the different people are. Its just a bunch of ugly guys hitting each other with weapons. It's like, a bunch of guys who think they're cool but are like, jokes, you know? They don't have your mic skills. They sure as hell don't have your ring skills. And they surely don't have your charisma or good looks.

Trey: So why are you going to wrestling school?

Girl 2: Honestly, I wanted to meet you. I was hoping that maybe we'd hit it off. I know wrestlers have a really busy road schedule and thought it would be awesome if we could hook up 'cause then we'd be together on the road, you know?

Trey: Are you out of your mind? You ever been arrested?

Girl 2: Yeah.

Trey: Have you been stalking me?

Girl 2: No. Can I?

Trey: Listen, I don't have time for this. I'm here today to see if any of you have any mic skills at all. So, Girl 2, what is going to happen is this. Pretend for a second that Shawn Striker is your opponent. Each one of you is going to hurt him as bad as you can with your mouth. Be entertaining. Be original. And make me want to see you kick his ass.

[Trey picks up his belt and drops it on the apron. He climbs out of the ring. He tells her to hold on a second and then grabs a microphone from under the ring. He flips a switch at the bottom and hits it. The sound system comes alive with a thunderous boom. He hands the mic to Girl 2 and she takes it.]

Trey: Whenever you're ready.

Girl 2: Sunday night I have a match with Shawn Striker. I don't know who this guy is, all I do know is that he is no Trey Vincent. I love Trey Vincent. And if you are an enemy of my lover, than I am going to hit you where it hurts. IN THE GROIN! I'm gonna rip and tear at your crotch and shred you until you've got less than the little you've got now! I'm gonna wear high heels and pretend your penis is a lit cigarette that I'm putting out! I'm gonna rip your balls out, juggle them, and then FEED 'EM TO YOU! And then, once this minor obstacle is out of our way, Trey and I will be married.

[She smiles and looks at Trey. She puts the mic down in the middle of the ring and steps out of the ring under the second rope. She jumps off the apron and runs over to Trey and hugs him and kisses him on the cheek. Then she returns to her seat. Guy 1 gets up and goes into the ring.]

Trey: Thanks. That was, interesting. All right, let's keep this going. Guy 1. Make me want to see you and Striker fight.

Guy 1: Yo. Shawn Striker. I got two words for you. You suck! And Korruption! I'm coming for you next! If you got the balls, meet me in the ring.

Trey: Ugh.

Guy 1: I should be the main eventer of this company. I'm bad to the bone! Shawn, I'm gonna show you who the real Hot Shot around here is. Me! The only shot you're gonna hear is my fist hitting you over and over and over. Beeeeyottttccchhh.

Trey: (Sarcastically) Thank you. Shut up. Boo. Get out of the ring.

[Guy 1 appears somewhat confused, but gets out of the ring. Guy 2 gets up and heads inside.]

Guy 2: Shawn Striker. When I look at you, I see nothing but a homosexual. You're so gay they should rename you Haywood Yabuttafukme.

Trey: BWAHAHAHAHA.

Guy 2: Where you from, San Francisco? I heard you like ass so much that when you walk into a room, people think the toilet exploded.

Trey: BWAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHA.

Guy 2: I also heard that your real name is Hot Sh** because you like to have guys do a hot sh** right in your mouth! I hear you use cum as mouthwash!

Trey: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Trey suddenly gets in the ring and starts beating the living hell out of Guy 2. He kicks away relentlessly on the kid. He then picks him up and nails a fisherman-buster. Guy 2 lays motionless in the ring. Trey looks down at him. He then bounces off every side of the ropes and delivers the Big Time Fist Drop into the guy's forehead. Trey picks up the mic.]

Trey: Now. I hope everyone understands why I did that. Anyone who thinks that is entertaining...next.

[Guy 3 gets into the ring. He pauses for a second, eyeing Trey nervously. He looks down at the beaten man and then walks over to the man and lays an arm across him. He pounds the mat and calls out '1, 2, 3.']

Guy 3: Striker, this is you in a few short days. Get used to the view (he says looking up at the lights). Sunday, you are going to need sunglasses and sun tan lotion, I'm gonna beat you down so many times. But this guy here. He's just an example. Just like I'm gonna make out of you. I'm gonna beat you unconscious just like I've done to this no-talent idiot. Get ready. Because by Sunday, I may actually be pissed off.

[He puts down the mic, stands up and leaves the ring to take his seat. Guy 4 gets up and heads to the ring.]

Trey: Not bad. Not great, but it's better than some of the other idiots in this fed could do. Go ahead.

Guy 4: Shawn Striker. I may not be the biggest guy. I may not be the most talented guy in the world. I may not have the skills of you. But one thing I do got is the desire to win. You are gonna have to damn near kill me to keep these shoulders on the mat. You see, I ain't no whore. I am gonna fight as long as there is a breath in this body.

Trey: Whoa. You ain't no whore?

Guy 4: Yeah. See, it's like, I can't use the word jabronie. So I figured, who's on their back more than a losing wrestler? A whore.

Trey: What EVER. And by the way, if a fan in the audience asks you a question, are you gonna answer them? Dumbass. Are you done?

Guy 4: Yeah.

[Guy 4 leaves the ring and Guy 5 heads to it. Guy 2 is still in the ring and hasn't moved. In case you care. Which you shouldn't. Because he is the worst kind of sports entertainer.]

Guy 5: It's really simple Striker. I'm not a smart man, but I'm a violent man. Sunday I'm gonna watch me some football. I'm gonna drink me a lot of beers. I'm gonna get nice and drunk. And then I'm gonna come beat your ass. And I'm gonna be pretty pissed off when I come for you. Do you know why? Because I'm from Chicago. And as long as the Bears are in Chicago, I'm gonna be one pissed off man. You are going to be every single player on the Bears. I'm gonna teach you how to tackle and I'm gonna drill it into your body until you can't take any more. You don't even know the meaning of pain until you step into the field of play with ME.

Trey: Chicago, huh? You poor bastard. Of course, the Vikings constantly choke, so, whatever.

[Guy 5 leaves, here comes Guy 6.]

Guy 6: On Sept. 11, 2001, a part of all of us died. We lost friends, co-workers, or just fellow human beings. I served in the military for five years. And you know what? I love this country. Shawn Striker, when we meet Sunday, you're name is Osama bin Laden.

Trey: What the hell?

Guy 6: These missiles (he says holding up his hands) are gonna bomb your ass until you're a bloody and burnt pulp!

Trey: Dude, dude, dude, enough. First of all, this is not the time to be making comments like that. I've heard enough from you. Let's get the last chick in the ring.

[Exit Guy 6. Enter Girl 1.]

Trey: I'm gonna cut you a break. Since a lot of scrubs need an interviewer to steer them, let me steer you. So, chick, Shawn Striker says he's not only going to pin you, he has guaranteed he will have an orgasm during your match. He says he's not going into this match to wrestle you, but to feel every part of your body and get off on it. How does that make you feel?

Girl 1: (She smiles.) It really turns me on actually. There is nothing I love more than having a strong man's hands touch every part of my body. (She rubs her breasts.) You like these Shawn? (She traces a finger across her stomach.) Bet you'd like to lick me here, wouldn't you? (Her hand goes between her thighs.) Or maybe this is what you want. (She turns around and rubs her ass.) But I know what all the guys want. And you know what? You ain't gonna get none of this! Striker, the only way you are gonna have an orgasm with me is in your dreams! You see, you're gonna be too busy getting your ass kicked to notice how hot I am. You're going to learn the difference between pleasure and pain. You are going to learn that women will always be the more dominant species. But of course, if you want me. All you have to do is lie down in the ring and let me pin you. I guarantee if you let me win, I'll f*** your brains out. And you've got the proof on camera.

Trey: Would you be willing to wrestle me, like, right now?

Girl 1: Don't you have a rich girlfriend?

Trey: Oh her? Uh. Yeah, I do. So, what do you say? Want to sports entertain with the Franchise Player?

Girl 2: You do I'll rip every hair out of your head!

Girl 1: You shut up, b###h!

Girl 2: Excuse me? (Girl 2 runs into the ring and tackles Girl 1. We've got ourselves a cat fight.)

Trey: Well, I don't know what I've learned here. (He looks down at the two girls.) But I am rather aroused right now. I guess all I've learned is that nobody has the mic skills of Trey Vincent. And nobody here is entertaining enough to be on TV. Well, these two girls could be on TV, I guess. Hey girls, stop it. How would both of you like to be on TV?

Girl 1: Yeah.

Girl 2: Of course!

Trey: Great. I know I was supposed to teach you guys something today, but consider class cancelled. You guys ain't yet worth my time. Maybe they can get the Prototype to come teach you guys some stuff first since he's more at your level. Girls, if you want to be on TV, I'm gonna make your dreams come true.

[He whispers something in their ears. Girl 2 has a huge smile, but Girl 1 gets disgusted.]

Girl 1: I thought you meant television, not your body!

Trey: Either option is equally good, for me anyway.

Girl 2: Let's go!

[Trey gets out of the ring and heads toward the door as both girls follow him. Fade out as the door slams shut behind them.]

NEXT CHAPTER: No rest for the best >>

©2001 John Leary