Two Crates And You're Gone!

PIW Massacre
July 6, 2002

"Tonight would be the night.

The night of PIW’s return.

The night numerous oiled, scantily clad men would debut in the squared circle.

The night Conan would work his way through two crates of Guinness."

"Tonight I become PIW’s new WORLD Champine" He muttered as he fought viciously to get the words from his throat. A quick "Woooo" followed this as he thrust his right arm high into the air with ferocity. He stumbled slightly due his sudden lunge and leant himself against the cold stone of the corridor walls as he tried to put everything into perspective.

He leant heavily on the wall, his left hand firmly placed as he pushed off and galloped downfield towards the unguarded goal that was the doorway. He passed through without a problem, which was a pleasant surprise considering the state he was in. Most people would find themselves flat on the floor in a state of salivation, whereas the Leprechaun was salivating, but standing.

An onlooker passed by the doorway, only small, with a bright yellow "My Little Ponies" T-shirt. Leprechaun touched his shiny, newly polished helmet in a bid to straighten in.

"Give Helmets a Chance," he said as he pointed towards his PIW T-Shirt.

"Pardon?" the young girl replied in an almost bemused way.

"Give Helmets a Chance" he repeated, this time followed by a splutter of spit.

The young girl just stared in amazement; she didn’t know if this guy had somehow snuck in through the back door, or was a relative of one of the wrestlers.

"Do ya have any suggestions you’d like to bring to the table then?" he continued.

She turned and hurried down the corridor in what was an incredibly brisk walk. If you looked hard enough, you could see her feet touch the floor as she went.

Leprechaun stood almost at a stand still, his eyes glossy, his eyes fixed on nothing, nothing important anyway. If you were a big fan of spiders and had spotted this tiny insect perched on the wall then maybe you could explain why he was so transfixed with it, but no one else could.

(Minutes Later)

His eyelids drew back slowly like a pair of curtains as he tried to make out who was crowded around him. Everything was blurry; all he could see were outlines in front of him.

"Are you OK? You fainted or passed out, we're not sure which."

"Ma," Conan replied.

"Are you OK to fight tonight? You’re facing off against Canada’s Hero in twenty minutes or so."

"Two Eggs please Ma," came the stammered reply.

"I'll take that as a no then…Jimmy tell that Sharc fella he’s got a match tonight"

MEANWHILE IN SHARC'S LOCKER ROOM

Sharc sat on the floor of a hallway, isolated from the rest of his prey. For he had but one focus tonight, now that fate had put him into a matchup. A matchup he had not expected or prepared for, but Sharc knew one thing about life.

"You can't fight fate," he mumbled to himself.

Jim Johnson in all his wisdom, perhaps led by some greater force, one that nobody can understand, had put Sharc into a match against Canada's Hero to replace The Leprechaun. Sharc knew of neither man, but if either one breathed, they were enemies.

"Moments from now, nobody will ever forget who Sharc is. For I will make a first impression the likes of which will make people take notice. The volume won't be up to maximum tonight, but everyone's ears -- especially Canada's Hero -- will be ringing."

BANG.

A noise brought Sharc's attention away from his ramblings about the match. He looked left and right, unsure from which direction the noise came from. He stood up, dusting off his long black coat. He looked to his left and right, seeing only the white tiled walls and a dirty, shabby blueish-gray rug. Sharc wasn't exactly sure where he was in the building, all he wanted was isolation. To focus his violence.

Retaking his spot on the floor, he slouched down, making himself almost part of the hallway, though failing miserably to blend in.

"The only good heroes are DEAD heroes," Sharc said matter-of-factly.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Sharc looked around again. The tapping then became muffled, a dull thud, thud, thud. Just somebody walking.

"Tonight, Canada's Hero will be in unfriendly waters. For there is a Sharc ready to attack.

A small figure came into view to Sharc's left. He noticed it, but didn't care who it was. Probably a kid of one of the staffers.

"A first impression...not quite of Biblical proportions...but one memorable nonetheless."

The figure, a wee bit wobbly on his feet, became clear. Conan The Leprechaun. He stumbled forward, using the wall Sharc was sitting against, as his guide.

"For I will build the violence to such a bloody climax that all the bitches here will scream my name in agony. It is one that nobody will be able to stop unless they're in league with...."

BANG.

Lep turned. Afraid he had been seen, he began to run, before looking where he was going. His boots ran into something somewhat solid. But the collision gave his little body a jerk he wasn't prepared for. He felt it....

...right in the belly....

..."Uh oh!"...

Sharc looked at the Leprechaun who had just run into him. And he was blinded by a stream of hot hot brown and orange.

*BAAAAAARRRRRFFFFFFF*

Leprechaun stumbled along the wall as Sharc sat in shock. The smell was horrible. Disgusting. Sickening. And all over his coat, hair, face and body. Chunks of not-fully digested food and liquid dripped down, like out of a shower in Hell, overpowering his other senses. It felt warm, wet, sticky and runny. And he now had the misfortune of tasting the contents of another man's insides. He blinked, seeing nothing but blurs of objects through watery-eyes.

And Leprechaun ran like he never ran before in his life.

The footsteps from the other direction stopped.

"There you are Sharc. It's go time," the man's voice called.

After wiping off a layer of goop from his face with the sleeve of his jacket, Sharc looked at the man, eyes filled with murderous rage. He looked then at the direction Leprechaun had gone. Then back to the PIW employee. After stripping off the rancid, vomit-soaked coat, he ran his fingers through his long black hair, pulling out chunks of food and God knows what else.

"Go time," he said with a sneer.

Sharc vs. Canada's Hero

The scene immediately heads down to ringside, where "O' Canada" begins to play. Out from the back walks Canada’s Hero, along with his good-looking manager, Elizabeth, and judging by the crowd's reaction, it seems like the PIW superstar is not well liked at all here in Daytona Beach, Florida. After being pelted by garbage of all kind, Canada’s Hero steps through the middle rope and into the ring, while Elizabeth takes a comfortable place on the outside, getting ready to watch her protégé in action!

Canadas Hero is pacing the ring, waiting for his opponent, Leprechaun to show up. Where he's at we're not sure yet but he has yet to come out. Elizabeth, who is walking around outside the ring hands Canadas Hero a microphone and steps back out of the ring. An announcement is made that Leprechaun has been injured and cannot compete here tonight.

"Well, Leprechaun has obviously been scared. Sure I see that PIW has supposedly reported that he was injured earlier today but that's just a big joke. Everyone knows that every wrestler out here is scared that Canadas Hero will whoop their ass. But i'm not leaving here tonight until I get someone out here right now! I don't care who it is, where there from, or what they look like but I want someone right now if they're not too scared to mess with Canada's best!" said Canada's hero! Mike Brown and Vinny Nerdstrom question if Canada's hero has been watching the same show!

"His opponent," starts ring announcer Mike Hunt, drawing another reaction from the crowd. However, this certain reaction features more cheers than boos from the spectators, as Sharc makes his entrance to his theme song, "Pisschrist" by Fear Factory. The 6'2", 245-pound wrestler runs down the ramp, with a purpose on this night, looking to take out his aggression on the Canadian snob.

"Do you smell that Vinny?" said Mike Brown. "Sharc has to wrestle with all that puke all over him!" Vinny shouted and burst into laughter. "It's all over him Vinny.. his hair and clothing.. GROSS! AND LOOK OUT!" Mike yelled. Before the bell even rings, Canada’s Hero pearl harbors his opponent as soon as he slides into the ring with several kicks and clubs to the back. That would prove to have no effect though just moments later, as Sharc gets to his feet undamaged, and fights off Canada’s Hero with a flurry of punches, before knocking the Canadian down with a stiff clothesline. Canada’s Hero immediately gets up, only to receive another clothesline.

After realizing that he is out to a bad start in this one-on-one contest, Canada’s Hero rolls to the outside for an early breather, looking to re-think strategy with his manager. The crowd certainly is no happy by this move, considering that they were enjoying see Canada’s Hero getting his butt kicked in the early goings of this match-up, but CH put that to a halt by heading for higher ground. Unfortunately for him though, Sharc is right on his trail.

Noticing that Sharc is nearby, Elizabeth quickly scurries away, while Canada’s Hero seems confused. He would finally understand just seconds later, as Sharc blasts Canada’s Hero with a clothesline from behind, before sending him face-first into the steel post! The crowd shows their appreciation with applause, and soon after, the action heads back inside, with Sharc still in control.

Canada’s Hero looks to be dazed and out of it, as Sharc continues with the offense. After some more punches now, Sharc irish whips Canada’s Hero into the corner. A few moments later, he goes for a ram attempt, but Canada’s Hero uses his intelligence to get the boot up and right into the face of Sharc. As a result, Canada’s Hero is able to follow up with a picture-perfect dropkick right to the kisser, and as said by commentator, Mike Brown, "the tide has turned in this one."

Elizabeth is certainly enjoying see her man in control, as she proves it with a smile on her face. Canada’s Hero controls the action now, delivering a few punches to the adam's apple, right before taking Sharc down with a snap suplex. A cover later sees the self-proclaimed hero of Canada get a two-count from referee Brian Winston, and this match continues.

Canada’s Hero now begins to take his time, keeping Sharc down on the mat with kicks to the ribs. After a scoop slam, Canada’s Hero begins to go to work on the left leg, dropping the right elbow twice on it twice, prior to locking on a half-leg Boston Crab.

"Sharc stands no chance for Canada’s Hero!" shouts the other, yet mostly unliked commentator, Vinny Nerdstrom. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Sharc is easily able to counter the submission hold, by kicking Canada’s Hero in the face with his other leg, and then putting him on the mat with a swinging neck breaker. The aggression of Sharc is in no way holding him back of his goal to win this match.

Now that he's back in control, Sharc pounds away at Canada’s Hero with hard rights and lefts to the face, but is distracted by Elizabeth soon after. This would benefit Canada’s Hero, giving him time to recover. As soon as Sharc turns around, Canada’s Hero plants a kick to the mid-section, and then follows up with momentum-changing DDT!

Canada’s Hero soaks in some boos at this point, posing for the crowd while in control. He takes his time while delivering some kicks to that left leg of Sharc, and then locks in a modified submission hold, in which the Canadian stretches the left leg. "The Canadians were always intelligent," says Nerdstrom, sucking up to the heel superstar as he has his opponent in submission.

Unfortunately for Canada’s Hero, Sharc is too ticked to give up. He reaches the ropes without ease, and as soon as the hold is broken up, Sharc capitalizes on his new opportunity with a vicious clothesline, putting Canada’s Hero on the mat in a 180 motion!

Sharc is feeling the momentum, as the crowd is cheering him on. He grabs Canada’s Hero now, puts him face-first into the corner, and drives his shoulder right into the lower back of his adversary! Canada’s Hero is writhing in pain, and turns around, only to walk right into a big diving shoulder block from Sharc.

Knowing his man is in trouble at this point, Elizabeth grabs Sharc's foot while he was bouncing off the ropes. This provides distraction, however, it does not change the advantage. Canada’s Hero gets back to his feet, runs off the ropes, and Sharc, knowing his opponent is coming at him, turns and catches the Canadian with a lightning-quick powerslam. On the pin after, Canada’s Hero just gets the right shoulder up at two, and Elizabeth lets out a sign of relief.

Now that he seems to be in good control here, Sharc heads to the outside, where he starts walking toward Elizabeth. The young, female manager starts to back up, and as she has Sharc's attention, Canada’s Hero bounces off the ropes, and delivers a hard baseball slide right to the side of the head of Sharc. On an even worse note for Sharc's fans, his head ends up hitting the barricade on the fall, and this could mean big trouble!

On commentary, Nerdstrom laughs at Sharc's misfortune, while Canada’s Hero rolls Sharc into the ring. As he goes for the cover, Sharc powers out at two, and the crowd lets out some applause. Canada’s Hero, furious at the referee, begins to argue with him, and that will do no good.

Sharc gets to his feet, and when Canada’s Hero turns around, Sharc nails him with a knee to the gut, before following up with a gut wrench suplex. Elizabeth looks frustrated on the outside, as she can tell what could happen next.

Canada’s Hero tries to regain control as soon as he gets up, attempting an unexpected clothesline, but Sharc ducks it, and is able to perform his Inverted Brainbuster finisher, Blood in the Water. "It's all over!" says Mike Brown, with jubilance.

And he was right. Referee Brian Winston registers the three count as Sharc goes for the pin immediately after, and he is your winner. "Pisschrist" by Fear Factory once again plays over the PA system, as Sharc runs to the back victorious, yet, with other things on his mind. Back in the ring, an unhappy Elizabeth tends to her defeated man, as Massacre heads to another commercial break.

NEXT CHAPTER: Have You Seen A Sexy Bitch? >>

©2002 John Leary