Dos Equis

Silent Movie

[Cue some old-timey piano music. Fade in on a bar, surprise surprise, where Dos Equis and Barb L. Fish are each merrily drinking away and chatting over bottles of beer. A well-dressed man stumbles into Barb, knocking the beer out of her right hand, causing it to spill all over her pink luchador outfit.]

BLF:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: Eeep!

[Dos Equis uses the barstool as a springboard for an Asai moonsault, landing on his feet. He begins wagging his finger in the well-dressed man's face.]

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: This isn't wet T-shirt night!

[The well-dressed man tries to calm down Dos Equis and pulls out his wallet, which happens to be a duffel bag.]

WDM:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: Pleash, shir, pet me lay you for you trub.

[Dos Equis' eyes go cartoonishly wide as he sees the large number of bills inside the bag. Trying to act cool, Dos Equis unleashes his "poker mask," while providing some thoughtful chin scratching.]

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: I think we can arrange some kind of deal.

[The well-dressed man offers him a wad of cash. Dos Equis takes it. The well-dressed man then puts on a fedora and tips it in the direction of both Dos Equis and Barb before leaving the bar. Once gone, Dos Equis bangs his empty beer bottle on the bar to grab the bartender's attention. Cue some evil chin scratching by Dos Equis. Once the bartender arrives, Dos Equis asks the man a question.]

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: Can I buy your baseball bat from under the bar?

[The bartender is taken aback by this question.]

Bartender:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: My bat? Why?

[Dos Equis drops the entire wad of cash on the bar and points at an invisible watch on his wrist.]

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: Tick tock. This offer expires in 5, 4, 3, 2…

[The bartender gives a thumbs up, then grabs the stack of cash and hands over the bat to Dos Equis. He's so happy to have the wad of cash in his hand that he doesn't even notice Dos Equis winding up to deliver a Barry Bonds-type swing to his head.]

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: BONK!

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: What did you learn?

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: A FEW MINUTES LATER…

[Somewhere outside of the bar now, it's dark…darker than stacks of dead ninjas. Dos Equis and Barb are creeping along a dark, trash-strewn alleyway. Hookers roam like stray cats, no doubt waiting for a Chinese man to chase after them with a butcher knife before turning them into General Tso's chicken. The well-dressed man then stumbles out from behind a dumpster, zipping up his suit pants. He tosses a stack of bills up in the air like he just don't care. Slowly, the cash flutters to the ground like paper snow. Barb pulls out a cell phone and text messages Dos Equis.]

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: he just got a bj lol

[Dos Equis rolls his eyes. Then text messages her back.]

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: duh!!!

[Barb text messages Dos Equis again.]

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: WTFs this hav 2 do w/ indy house show?

[Dos Equis shrugs. Then, Dos Equis puts his cell phone away and motions for Barb to follow him. After a few seconds, Dos Equis runs up behind the man and hits him in the elbow with the baseball bat.]

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: BONK!

[The well-dressed man drops the duffel bag, then vomits on it, either from pain or too much alcohol intake. Or both. Dos Equis stares at the vomit-covered bag in disbelief.]

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: D'oh.

[The well-dressed man vomits again on the bag.]

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: I think he's bulimic!

BLF:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: Is it contagious?

[Dos Equis flips her off for that stupid joke. Dos Equis reaches for the bag. Barb stops him.]

BLF:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: But it's covered in vomit.

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: This guy is loaded! Imagine the promos we could make with all this money! Our promos would rock NFW's world!

[Meanwhile, in the background, the well-dressed man stumbles to his feet with the help of a brick wall. While Barb and Dos Equis chat, he unzips his pants.]

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: TINKLE!

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: Do you feel rain? On your legs only?

[Barb and Dos Equis turn around to find the man pissing on the duffel bag. Dos Equis smacks himself in the side of the head then bashes the well-dressed man's head in. And no, it's not the one on his neck.]

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: That was a very heelish thing to do!

BLF:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: Really? I thought it was cartoonish "Itchy & Scratchy" violence.

[Dos Equis shrugs, then grabs the piss and vomit covered bag. He bends down and looks the man in the eyes.]

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: The drunk era is envelope you!

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: A SHORT WHILE LATER…

[With one hand, Dos Equis sprays the duffel bag off using a garden hose while simultaneously pinching his nose with his other hand.]

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: A SHORTER WHILEER LATERER…

[Barb L. Fish blows a hair dryer on the duffel bag.]

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: AND EVEN LATER…

[The duffel bag sits on a wood dining table between Dos Equis and Barb L. Fish. Slowly, Dos Equis unzips the duffel bag, no doubt ready to count the untold thousands of dollars inside. The room seems to fill with light as he unzips the bag, as if the money is a light source of its own. Anxious to see it all, Dos Equis shoves his hand in deep and gets sprayed with a red substance. Barb stares at Dos Equis in shock.]

BLF:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: A dye pack? It must have been faulty.

XX:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: We robbed a bank robber?

BLF:

Silent Movie-style Inter-title: Cosmic irony…I'll start the laundry. Get naked.

NEXT CHAPTER: Doing The Math... >>

© 2009 John Leary