Dos Equis

Invisible Touch

[Fade in on the masked face of the drunken luchador, Dos Equis. "Snowblind" by Black Sabbath is playing quietly in the background.]

XX: Tongue-piece, I am having hardship seriously raising with ideas of the writing. I must be sober.

[Make that SOBER luchador.]

Barb. L. Fish: (Offscreen) For the XLIII time, my name isn't Tongue-piece, it's Barb! As in Barbara.

XX: I could eat many beers right now.

Barb L. Fish: (Offscreen) Eat beers? There is no beer.

XX: No beer? No beer? No TWO beer and no beer do X… THEY CALM!

BLF: I have an idea?

XX: Do you? The question mark confuses to me.

BLF: Thanks, Bort.

XX: Bort?

[A hand passes Dos Equis a bendy straw.]

XX: Ooooh. This is promising. You have coke?

BLF: I have lots of coke.

XX: ¡Cuenta!

BLF: What did you call me?

XX: Resoplemos something of coke.

BLF: What did you do with the money?

XX: What money?

BLF: The money for the ESL classes. Resoplemos? That doesn't make any sense. Did you just say you want to snort coke.

XX: Yes?

BLF: X! You do realize that President Eddie Mayfield and his Cabinet are watching closely. Do you want to face the firing squad?

XX: Ignite me? I'm ignited already! Wooooo! Leaf to shave? If president Mayfield wants a sample of my piss, I'll use his mouth like the cup of the specimen.

BLF: X! Calm down.

XX: Atorníllelo. Plate of Petri!

BLF: Petri dish?

XX: I do not own really any cups. Stole I those of a laboratory of science of the High secondary School.

[Yes, all you can still see is Dos Equis. The camera hasn't moved. But now there is a tapping noise, as if Dos Equis is spreading something around or chopping something with the razor blade.]

XX: LEGION OR VARGA MUST DIE!

BLF: Are you SURE you're not drunk?

XX: Fodder that during as much time has drunk to me so that my body really does alcohol instead of the insulin or of white blood cells or something that I need probably more ahead while still alive.

[Barb has no CLUE what Dos Equis just said, so she's quiet. Meanwhile, Dos Equis lifts the razor blade to his masked face and sticks out his tongue. Slowly, he licks the blade.]

XX: That makes you corneous, yes?

[No response from Barb for several seconds.]

BLF: So there's this tag team house show thingee coming up. Talk about that instead of me being horny, OK?

XX: I need a partner. But I don't knows anyone in the NFDub here. Behind in the People's Republic of Luchador when it grew, we secured this demonstration. Monday Nae Trous?

BLF: Never heard of it.

XX: In any case, one of my heroes was in that demonstration. It was a Luchador companion!

BLF: Did he wear a mask?

XX: No. Possibly.

BLF: Possibly? Well, what did he look like.

XX: It was very indescribable. VERY indescribable. And I bet he'd work in boss's rank of prices. Dirt - cheap. We'll must make some calls.

BLF: Sounds good.

[Dos Equis bends out of sight. There is a loud snorting sound. Dos Equis returns, sitting bolt upright as a brown liquid drips out of his nose.]

XX: Ay-yi-yi!

[Finally, the camera pans back and then down to reveal the Petri dish is full of the same brown liquid, not white powder. Yes, he was snorting Coke Zero, not cocaine. "Invisible Touch" by Genesis begins playing in the background now, replacing "Snowblind." The camera returns to an uber closeup of Dos Equis.]

XX: It sees that? GOD IS SAYING SOMETHING TO ME! GOD IS SAYING TO ME THAT WE WILL FIND THE MAN! THE MYTH! THE LEGENDARY LUCHADOR!

BLF: God? I think that's stretching it a bit. More like random luck.

XX: God has been granting serenity to me to accept the opponents who I cannot change, the value of finding brother lost for a long time of a diverse mother, and the wisdom to igniting to the victory in St Louis. Amen!

BLF: You're so going to hell.

XX: Legion and Varga? Compartments of the cabrito and Chris de Cosmo? Kooter and that chick without arm? I don't taken care of that is! The drunk era is envelope you!

[You may go get drunk now.]

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© 2009 John Leary