Dos Equis

Jumping Frenchman of Maine

"Teardrop" by Massive Attack plays as four legs and a cane walk down a hallway. Two of the legs belong to Bob L. Fish, and the other two legs belong to Dos Equis. The cane belongs to a long since dead cherry tree.

BOB: 22-year-old female, reacts abnormally to sudden stimuli. She's also been speaking in tongues.

XX: It sees that? All assume that I am fighter due to my mask.

BOB: You ARE a wrestler.

XX: You would not know it. I have myself been placing towards outside in the corners of street for the three months last with a "Will Plancha for Food" sign.

BOB: Your English has gotten much better. ESL classes?

XX: Yes. More, it saves the money in those closed subtitles. Americans don't like the masked fighters foreign who cannot cut interviews that surprise.

BOB: Fair enough. Neither do I.

XX: Hey! Idiot.

BOB: The 22-year-old female…

XX: Is single she?

BOB: I didn't ask.

Both men stop walking and the camera finally pans up to the back of their heads. They turn to face each other.

XX: And which is the point of this video? Is I who pretends to be doctor or something?

BOB: Yep. Call it a loose "House" parody. House show. "House." You see?

XX: I need a certain LSD. I mean… the beer?

Bob clears his throat and nervously looks around. Dos Equis pushes open a door into the patient's room using his cane. In bed is the woman, who is donning a luchador mask.

BOB: And X? She's my sister. Barbara.

Uberdramatic extreme close up of Dos Equis shocked mask.

BOB: Adopted.

XX: She is from Luchador?

BOB: Yes.

XX: Well, the first things first, I must verify her chests for nipples and then and obtain feet in the stirrups. Speculum?

BOB: Hey! That's my sister, man.

XX: (Sarcastic) Adopted.

BOB: You! Spread the legs!

She does.

BOB: X!

XX: Interesting. Punch Bob in the nuts!

Barbara jumps out of bed and punches Bob in the nuts. Bob collapses into the fetal position.

XX: Moonsault exceeds he off the bed!

She climbs up onto the bed and moonsaults onto Bob. As she flies through the air, her hospital gown leaves nothing to the imagination.

XX: Wow. Bob shot towards outside the window!

*SMASH* That was the sound of Bob being thrown out the window.

XX: How you feel?

BARBARA: Scared. What's wrong with me, Dos?

XX: Repeat after me: Voulez-vous enculez avec moi.

BARBARA: Voulez-vous enculez avec moi. Voulez-vous enculez avec moi. Voulez-vous enculez avec moi. Voulez-vous enculez avec moi. Voulez-vous enculez avec moi. Voulez-vous enculez avec moi. Voulez-vous enculez avec moi. Voulez-vous enculez avec moi. Voulez-vous enculez avec moi.

XX: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Dos Equis throws her on the bed.

BOB: X!

XX: Continue being alive you?

BOB: We're only on the first floor.

XX: Curse. You never been to Maine?

BARBARA: No.

XX: Never worked like woodcutter?

BOB: A lumberjack?

BARBARA: No.

XX: Baptized in Moosehead Lake?

BOB: What is it, X?

XX: She is exhibiting all the symptoms of Jumping Frenchman of Maine disorder. It is very rare, especially in Luchadorians. I have never seen a box of her, in fact.

BOB: Box? I think you meant "case." At least I hope so…Is there a cure?

Dos Equis pulls out a pad of paper and begins writing.

XX: Treatment? No. But I am going to write a prescription to her for the beer.

BARBARA: Beer? But I am poor. I can't afford beer in this economy.

XX: You want a work that does not imply slicing underneath trees?

BARBARA: Sure.

XX: Bob, ignites to him.

BOB: What? You can't fire me!

XX: I can yes. Now you have a work. Brings in the beer.

BOB: None of this made ANY kind of sense.

XX: Hardly another day in the life of the Drunk Luchador.

Fade to black.

NEXT CHAPTER: Invisible Touch >>

© 2009 John Leary