Cuatro Equis

Nostalgia

*Sigh*

Our scene opens on DOS EQUIS and his luchadorable love BARB L. FISH. The couple is seated on a couch, presumably at home, catching up on a burned DVD of the latest NFW promos.

XX: What's wrong, Barb?

BLF: Nothing.

XX: Have you come down with a case of Pandamonium? Are you saddened that Steve Knox is back, darkening our screens with more masturbatory promos? Legion pretending to be Raven? Oh, it is not because Rich Mahogany is not pleasuring you? I really hope it is not that one. Brock Alyas continuing to have employment here? The suckness that is Zombie Biff? Que?

BLF: Nah. Just feeling bored.

XX: I know the feeling! Where are all the NFW tag teams at? Is there nobody who has the testiculos to face Cuatro Equis? Cuatro Equis is undefeated*! Surely, there are two people out there who want to face the Drunk Luchador and the Futuredor.

Offscreen, a door slams. Heavy boots can be heard walking on the kitchen floor, followed by a refrigerator door opening. BARB suddenly perks up and looks expectantly toward the kitchen, as FUTUREQUIS steps through, still sporting his creepy "Terminator" mask.

BLF: Hey, you.

FUTUREQUIS: (To BARB) Hey, you. (To DOS EQUIS) Me.

XX: (To FUTUREQUIS) Me.

FUTUREQUIS: Did you train today?

BLF: He's been sitting here like a log, watching promos.

FUTUREQUIS: Go do laps around the house. Barb has to give me a, uh, massage?

XX: I dunno, my knee is still in some pain.

FUTUREQUIS: Stretch it, and then run. It'll do you a world of good. Trust me. Look at me. Do I have a knee injury? No. So how can you if you're me? Trust me, er, you. Trust yourself.

XX: Future me, as usual, makes sense. OK. I will stretch and then go for a jog. What are you going to do?

FUTUREQUIS looks over at BARB.

CAPTION: 10 Minutes Later

The couch is now empty, but the camera is still rolling. Though FUTUREQUIS and BARB can't be seen, they can certainly be heard deeply breathing and kissing. Suddenly, FUTUREQUIS' "Terminator" mask flies across the shot, as BARB moans in delight. Then BARB's pink luchador mask flies through the screen. The sounds of clothes ripping, then jeans unzipping are heard. BARB sighs and moans in that very special way, but FUTUREQUIS is completely silent.

BLF: (Breathless) Enjoying your massage?

FUTUREQUIS: Shut up.

BLF: Make me. (Beat) Mpppph! Mmmppph!

FUTUREQUIS: Don't say it if you don't mean it. Hey, NFW, if you're still listening! I'm fucking my partner's b!tch behind his back. In case you haven't gotten it yet, fuck Dos Equis, and fuck all of you.

BLF: (Muffled, probably from having a pillow over her face) Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Yeah! Yeaaahhhhh!

CAPTION: 20 Minutes Later

FADEIN on the empty couch. Silence. Then, a door opens and slams shut. FUTUREQUIS re-masked plops down on the couch, beer in hand, as DOS EQUIS limps into the shot in the background.

FUTUREQUIS: Good workout?

XX: Fine. How was yours? Where's Barb?

FUTUREQUIS: No complaints. She's in the shower.

XX: Oooh. I think I'll go surprise her.

FUTUREQUIS: *cough* Um, yeah. You do that.

Once DOS EQUIS is away, FUTUREQUIS leans forward toward the camera.

FUTUREQUIS: Let me put this simply for everyone. I have no friends. I don't have what you people would call morals. All I do is fuck over everyone I meet, whether he's my partner or an opponent. It's what I've always done, and will always continue to do. So whoever wants to step up, you better be ready. Because at some point, Dos Equis is going to find out about this. And he'll probably be pretty pissed about it and looking to take out his frustrations on somebody who isn't his future self. Besides, is it really "cheating" if I am him and he is me? Can Dos blame me for being "nostalgic"? Of course not. But I still bet he's going to be mighty pissed when–

XX: (Off-screen) Maldita puta!

FUTUREQUIS: Sounds like my boy's ready now. Are you?

NEXT CHAPTER: The Cuatro Equis Explode! >>

© 2009 John Leary